Amy’s car
Amy: Hey, can you do me a favour? Can we try to avoid talking to our friends tonight about our wedding plans?
Sheldon: I'll do you one better. I'll avoid talking to our friends entirely and play on my phone.
Amy: It's just, I haven't picked a maid of honour yet, and I'm having trouble deciding between Penny and Bernadette.
Sheldon: Ah, understandable. They are quite similar… Both blonde former waitresses who married beneath them.
Amy: Penny is my best friend, but I was Bernadette's maid of honour, and I think she kind of expects it. So if anyone brings it up tonight, just maybe you can help me change the subject.
Sheldon: How about this? I dominate the conversation so hard, no one has a chance to get a word in edgewise.
Amy: I don't know. They might see that coming. What if we have a code word?
Sheldon: Ooh, now you're speaking my catamaran. That's my code word for “language.”
Amy: Okay, fine, catamaran. That's our code word.
Sheldon: No, that's my code word. Get your own.
Amy: Okay. Uh, pretzels. You hear me say pretzels, you change the subject.
Sheldon: Rhinos are my least favourite animals at the zoo.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we started.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Raj: Hey, just-just hold the gate still while I screw it in.
Sheldon: You know, I don't know how I feel about all this baby-proofing. If Halley can't teach herself to walk down the stairs, then maybe that's nature's way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here.
Raj: That's funny. I always thought Howard was nature's way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here.
Howard: Me, too, but life does find a way!
Penny: Hey, Halley can't reach the liquor cabinet. Why did you baby-proof it?
Howard: How did you know we did?
Penny: Fair point.
Stuart: Bernadette still going stir-crazy?
Howard: Oh, a little. Two months of bed rest… It's kind of rough.
Raj: Really? That sounds great. How do I get that?
Leonard: You'd either have to break your hip or let Howard knock you up.
Penny: Now, either way, you'll get flowers the next morning.
Howard: She's actually been keeping herself busy doing wedding research for you.
Amy: Oh, she-she doesn't have to do that.
Howard: She wants to. After all, you were her maid of honour.
Amy: Sheldon, tell your funny story about pretzels.
Sheldon: Oh, right. Yeah, oh, yeah. Did you know that we've been thinking of having pretzels at our wedding? Hmm? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. No, rhinos. We're having rhinos at our wedding. No! I got to go… I'm gonna need some help. Someone baby-proofed the front door.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: Sheldon, what am I gonna do about my maid of honour? I mean, Bernadette gave me all these bridal magazines. She even folded down the pages with the good dresses.
Sheldon: Hmm. Hmm. I get it. You know, Leonard once borrowed my Edmund Scientific catalogue and dog-eared some pages. Never got 'em straight again.
Amy: Well, that is exactly the same thing. You really understand my dilemma.
Sheldon: Actually, I do. My mother is pushing for my brother, Georgie, to be my best man, and I hate to disappoint her again. I already rejected her saviour and her LinkedIn invitation.
Amy: How are we gonna make these decisions without anybody getting upset?
Sheldon: Well, what if we take emotion out of the process, and base it on empirical metrics? Then we aren't really making the decision; the data is.
Amy: So we can hurt our friends' feelings without taking any responsibility? Me likey. But how do we apply quantitative metrics to something as subjective as choosing a wedding party?
Sheldon: That decision only seems subjective. In reality, people in a wedding party perform very specific functions, and some will perform those better than others. If I may use a superhero analogy...
Amy: You may not.
Sheldon: Okay, I'll use real people. Um, if a certain dog-like loyalty is useful, then it's Leonard, hmm? If, uh, having a PEZ dispenser filled with TUMS is an advantage, Wolowitz, yeah. If a best man with fake testicles hanging from his truck is important, well, then, my brother's back in the running.
Amy: Okay, I see your point. So we break down each of the roles into their component parts, and then design specialized tests for each.
Sheldon: Exactly. Boy, if I had known getting married was going to involve so much science, I'd have proposed years ago.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Penny: So Leonard, tell everyone your news.
Leonard: Oh, oh, I'm starting a book.
Sheldon: That would be big news from Penny, but you've read a book before.
Penny: He means he's writing a book.
Leonard: I do. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time.
Penny: Yeah. It's about a brilliant physicist who solves crimes using science.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard...
Leonard: It's not about you.
Sheldon: He probably has to say that for legal reasons.
Howard: Uh-oh. They gave us plain rice instead of fried rice.
Raj: Well, no fair! I SoulCycled this morning. I'm entitled to a pile of fat rice.
Sheldon: Well, I would say that this constitutes a catering crisis.
Amy: I agree. Who's gonna step up and handle it?
Leonard: Doesn't matter. This is fine.
Amy: Penny?
Penny: What?
Howard: You know what? I'll take care of it. [Speaking Chinese] Done.
Raj: You didn't make him feel bad, did you?
Howard: Actually, he was laughing.
Amy: I'm really impressed at how you handled that, Howard.
Howard: Please. I've been sending food back my entire life. One of my first full sentences was, “I had breast milk for breakfast”"
Sheldon: Excuse me, b-before we start eating, I-I would like to make a toast.
Leonard: Oh, nice.
Howard: Oh, nice.
Sheldon: If only I could think of one. Someone else go.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Penny: Hey. Here's the sewing kit you asked for.
Sheldon: Ooh! A minute, 19. Quick.
Penny: You were timing me?
Sheldon: Yes. I am going through a bit of a timing phase. How long will it last? We'll find out.
Penny: What did you need the kit for?
Amy: Oh, um... Sh-Sheldon was squatting down to pick up a fork and he ripped his pants.
Penny: Oh, someone's gonna be sore tomorrow.
Sheldon: Oh, quick thinking. But for future lies, this is as far as I can squat.
Amy: Penny gets 20 points for the sewing kit.
Sheldon: Yeah, minus five, because this is mine.
Amy: Well, she's still pulling a commanding lead.
Sheldon: Did Bernadette even try to send us a sewing kit?
Amy: She did. Amazon, standard shipping, not even Prime.
Sheldon: We could've done that ourselves.
Amy: That's what she said.
Sheldon: Maybe we're being old-fashioned, defining these roles by gender. You know, historically, the best man's role was to defend the bride and groom in combat. I mean, if that's not Penny, I don't know what we're doing here.
Amy: I see your point. Okay, we are officially open to a best woman and a gentleman of honour.
Sheldon: Oh, those names are terrible. One point off for you.
Amy: What am I being tested for?
Sheldon: Oh, it's not important. But if you don't pass, none of this matters.
Amy: Okay, what's the next test?
Sheldon: Loyalty. We need to choose someone who has our backs, someone who will keep our secrets even from each other.
Amy: Well, I don't have any secrets from you. Do you have secrets from me?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, that has been weighing on me for years. Come here.
Caltech: cafeteria
Amy: Would you call yourself a loyal and trustworthy friend?
Raj: Yeah, I like to think so.
Amy: Great. Because I need to tell you something about Howard, but you can't tell him that I told you.
Raj: Nope. Don't want to hear it. Do not like to engage in gossip.
Amy: Okay. I respect your integrity.
Raj: Is it about his special underwear? Because I already know. And that's all I'll say. Fine, it has a charcoal filter in it.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: It's really sweet of you to come by and keep me company.
Sheldon: Agreed. Uh... So, listen, I have a secret that I need to tell someone. But you can never say a word. Not even to Howard.
Bernadette: I'm your girl. Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Really? You keep things from your husband?
Bernadette: No, I tell him everything. Don't be a child.
Sheldon: Okay. Here it is. I can control the thermostat in Leonard's apartment with my phone. And when he makes me mad, I turn it up, slightly.
Howard: Oh, hey. I didn't know you were here. What are you two talking about?
Bernadette: Literally, nothing interesting.
Sheldon: Oh, you're good.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: Okay, getting to the ceremony on time.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment
Sheldon: Leonard, quick. I need you to get me to Arcadia within the hour. The train store's having a sale.
Leonard: Why can't Amy drive you?
Sheldon: Because of the tradition that I cannot see Amy on the day of the train store sale.
Leonard: Please, please see a doctor.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: Next test.
Sheldon: Just wait one second.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: kitchen
Leonard: Is it getting hot in here?
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Where were we?
Amy: How well do our friends know us?
Stairs
Amy: So I was talking to my favourite aunt...
Penny: Aunt Doe, right?
Amy: Exactly.
Penny: Did she ever figure out what that thing on her knee was?
Amy: Turns out it was a chocolate chip.
Penny: Hmm. Makes sense, she does like to bake.
Amy: Yes, she does. Damn, you are a thoroughbred.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Amy: You know, dealing with cold feet is an important part of being both best man and maid of honour. Maybe we should test for that ability.
Sheldon: You really think you might get cold feet?
Amy: Actually, I was talking about you.
Sheldon: Amy... If there's one thing in this world I'm sure of, you are right to be worried… Good night.
Comic book center
Sheldon: Howard. I've had my eye on this limited edition Swamp Thing, but now that I'm about to buy it, I'm having second thoughts. What do you think?
Howard: I don't know, Sheldon, it's pretty expensive.
Sheldon: Yes, but what if it will make me happy, you know, waking up and seeing it every morning for the rest of my life?
Howard: Really, a walking clump of swamp grass?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, Bernadette's no prize either!
Leonard and Penny’s apartment
Penny: Hey, what you doing?
Leonard: Oh. Sheldon gave me a brain teaser. It's kind of fun. It's about a group of people at dinner, and you have to figure out where they can sit without fighting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, is this the one where Mr. Green can't sit next to anyone eating meat, and Uncle Light Blue won't sit next to any of the darker colours?
Leonard: Yeah, did Sheldon send it to you?
Penny: Amy did. I solved it already.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Same way I solved my jury duty summons, I threw it away.
Raj: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, Aunt Orange can't sit next to the bar without Ms. Pink saying, “Jesus thinks you've had enough whiskey.”
Leonard: Did Sheldon and Amy give you guys that puzzle, too?
Howard: Yeah. Is it just me or have they been acting strange?
Leonard: I don't think they're acting.
Raj: Yeah, the other day, Sheldon made me take him to the train store. We didn't go inside. He just said, “Nicely done,” and then we went home.
Penny: Yeah, and Amy gave me this plastic ring and told me to hold on to it.
Howard: I got one, too.
Leonard: Yeah, same.
Raj: Yeah, me, too. But-but Cinnamon ate it. I-I'll get it back tomorrow.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: I have to say, this is going pretty well.
Sheldon: It is. I-If experimenting on humans is morally wrong, then I don't want to be morally right.
Penny: Hey, are you testing us to see who gets to be in your wedding?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: No.
Raj: Wha… They're rating us.
Leonard: And I'm in last?
Sheldon: Don't panic, there's still time. Look, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
Leonard: You know what, this is so insulting. I-I don't even want to be your stupid best man.
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: Me neither.
Sheldon: W-W-Wait, wait. Just out of curiosity, which one of you figured it out?
Howard: I did.
Sheldon: Impressive.
Comic book center
Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I interest you in a cappuccino?
Sheldon: When did you start selling those?
Stuart: Oh, someone left it here, but it's still warm… Want to say four bucks?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Stuart: Oh. Everything okay?
Sheldon: Well... I secretly experimented on my friends, and now none of them want to be my best man. So, you know, normal wedding drama.
Stuart: Sorry.
Sheldon: Probably have to use my stupid brother. So get ready for a wedding toast delivered by his armpit.
Stuart: Well, if you really don't want to use your brother, I'd be your best man.
Sheldon: Really?
Stuart: Yeah, we're friends. Plus, it'd be nice. Never really been called the best before. Or a man, for that matter.
Sheldon: Okay, well, uh, thank you, Stuart. That's a very generous offer.
Stuart: My pleasure. I-I understand the best man usually receives a present.
Sheldon: That's true.
Stuart: Can never have too much Claritin.
Caltech: cafeteria
Howard: You're still working on Sheldon's dumb brain teaser?
Leonard: Oh, my God, Dr. Purple's a woman! Of course! Oh, that feels so good.
Sheldon: Hello. I believe I owe the three of you an apology.
Howard: No argument here.
Sheldon: By experimenting on you, I realize I've violated your trust and possibly the Geneva Convention.
Raj: Is that it?
Sheldon: No. So as to not upset any of you further, I've asked Stuart to be my best man, and he's agreed. You're all still invited to the bachelor party. Uh, he's thinking Costco and the theme is browsing.
Raj: You picked Stuart over one of us?
Sheldon: Well, I wanted to choose one of you, but you all turned against me.
Howard: Picking a best man isn't about keeping score.
Sheldon: But you're all my friends. I mean, if I didn't collect data, how could I possibly choose among the three of you?
Raj: Well, that's actually kind of sweet.
Sheldon: Is it? Perhaps I said it wrong.
Leonard: Look, this is your wedding, just pick whoever you want. You don't need to worry about anyone else but yourself. You've kind of been training for this your whole life.
Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.
Leonard: And if it helps... These two are quitters.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment
Leonard: Hey, what you making?
Penny: Uh, well, I spilled the cheese packet, so we're having mac and nothing.
Leonard: Oh. Yeah. I'll just have the mac. “Nothing” gives me gas.
Penny: Why are you in such a good mood?
Leonard: Mm, I just talked to Sheldon. He apologized about the tests and asked me to be his best man.
Penny: Uh, great. After all you've done for him, he should've asked you.
Leonard: And Amy's your best friend. I'm sure she'll come to her senses and pick you.
Penny: Okay, she's not my best friend. We're not 12. If she wants Bernadette to be her maid of honour, I really don't care.
Leonard: Sounds like you care.
Penny: No, I mean, it-it's just annoying. You know, we talk every day. We see each other all the time. She's always there for me, and basically… Oh, my God, Amy's my best friend.
Leonard: You okay?
Penny: No, my best friend didn't ask me to be her maid of honour. I'm pissed!
Amy and Howard’s apartment
Howard: So, bottom line, what you did was wrong and cruel, which the mother of my children finds oddly appealing.
Bernadette: So she still wants to be my maid of honour?
Howard: Maid of honour, hit woman, whatever you need. Make the call.
Penny: Look, I know this is your wedding, and you can do whatever you want, but if you think anyone but me is gonna be your maid of honour, then you're an idiot because you are my best friend.
Howard: Too late. Bernade...
Amy: Bestie!
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Leonard: Stuart, I'm sorry if it's weird Sheldon made me best man instead of you.
Stuart: It's okay. I was best man for two whole days… No one can take that away from me. Except for Sheldon, when he did.
Sheldon: Although, if you want to be a part of the wedding party, I suppose you could be the flower girl.
Stuart: Sold.
Howard: Well, I thought Halley was gonna be the flower girl.
Sheldon: Oh, that's much better. Sorry, Stuart, you're out.
Penny: Hey, so is Bernadette okay with me being maid of honour?
Howard: Actually, I haven't had the courage to tell her.
Amy: I guess I should do that.
Penny: Uh, yeah.
Amy: Although, as maid of honour, your job is to make my life easier.
Penny: Damn it. Hey, Stuart, you still want in on this wedding?
Stuart: Not that much.
Penny: Fine, I'll do it. But do me a favour and unlock the liquor cabinet first.
