Comic book center
Sheldon: Oh, Stuart, two questions: do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?
Stuart: Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.
Howard: Why are you smoking meat?
Leonard: And why are you reading Aquaman?
Sheldon: I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and... I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.
Howard: Wow, well, that's actually really sweet.
Leonard: The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb… Eh... Isn't Halley's birthday the same as Amy's?
Howard: Yeah, but we're not doing anything big 'cause she's one, Bernadette's on bed rest, and I'm lazy.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Howard.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: Excuse me.
Leonard: Really? Is this still happening?
Howard: I'm willing to make up, but someone's being a baby.
Sheldon: Ooh! I do love a riddle. Oh, let me see. See, my first guess would be Halley, but that'd be strange to accuse her of being a baby 'cause she is a baby. Um... I suppose it could be Stuart; his head does have a certain milky scent… Although...
Raj: I-It's me, Sheldon. He-He's calling me a baby.
Sheldon: No, I don't know. I saw Leonard put his keys in his mouth today.
Howard: You're a grown man; act like it.
Raj: Big talk coming from a guy holding an Archie comic book.
Howard: Hey, werewolf Jughead is not your dad's Jughead.
Stuart: Come on, you guys have been friends forever. Quit fighting.
Raj: I have an extra ticket to the opening of The Last Jedi tonight. It was gonna be Howard's, but you can have it.
Stuart: You two had a good run.
Caltech: cafeteria
Leonard: Uh, who wants to go see Last Jedi again tonight?
Raj: Mm, I'm in.
Sheldon: Me, too. It'll be nice to see the parts I missed while I was blinking.
Howard: Hey, guys, there's a change of plans. We are having a party for Halley's birthday after all. Turns out Bernadette and "anyone who's not a heartless monster" thinks that's the right thing to do.
Sheldon: I don't like kids, but I do like birthday cake. Oh, wait, will there be sugary icing flowers on it?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: I'll risk it. But if I have a tantrum and have to leave early, you'll know why.
Howard: Here you go. Here you go… See you two there.
Raj: Are you kidding me? You're not gonna invite me to Halley's birthday? I'm her godfather; that means something.
Howard: Or… Hear me out on this… It doesn't.
Leonard: Okay, that's enough. This fight either has to end or get way more entertaining.
Raj: Don't worry about it 'cause I'm done putting up with him!
Sheldon: I know you have a lot on your mind, but when do you think we'll have an answer on those cake flowers?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. What you reading?
Penny: Oh, it's your brother's Christmas letter.
Leonard: Ugh. If there's a picture of his wife and his kids and his dogs and his horses all in matching pajamas, I beg you to burn it.
Penny: Aw, the people's pajamas have little horses on them, and the horses' have little people.
Leonard: It's just his chance to brag about how great his life is.
Penny: Oh, come on, it's nice. You know that non-profit he works with? They built a hospital in Rwanda.
Leonard: Look at me. I built a hospital in Rwanda.
Penny: That is a good point. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard & Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: So this is for Amy's birthday. Can I leave it here?
Leonard: Sure. What is it?
Sheldon: A butter churn.
Penny: Aw, that's what I got her.
Sheldon: It's for her surprise frontier birthday dinner. I am making hardtack, boiled salt pork, and because it's a special day, a chewable gob of tree sap.
Penny: Is that good?
Sheldon: Uh, compared to other foods, no. Compared to other parts of a tree? Eh… And then after dinner, we will have birthday coitus.
Penny: Do you think that will also be historically accurate?
Leonard: I assume like the rest of frontier life, it'll be exhausting and short.
Sheldon: You're exhausting and short.
Comic book center
Howard: Hey, Stuart, you're coming to Halley's party, right?
Stuart: You bet. Plus, I live there and I was invited, so it's already better than my tenth birthday party.
Howard: Great. Can you bring a few things?
Stuart: Sure.
Howard: What do you need? Balloons, streamers, ice, snacks, a bounce house, face painter, and a couple kids whose parents are willing to lie and say they know me from the Daddy and Me class I've never been to.
Stuart: Where do you and Halley go every week?
Howard: The important thing is we're together, and if the movie gets too violent, I cover her eyes.
Stuart: Don't stress about this party. She's one; she's not gonna remember. The other day I showed her her toe, and she was shocked.
Howard: It's not for the baby; it's for Bernadette. She's feeling guilty about all the stuff she's missing with Halley.
Stuart: All right. Uncle Stuart's got your back. Ain't no party like a Stuart party because Stuart's never invited to parties.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: Did the electricity go out?
Sheldon: I don't know what you mean by "electricity," ma'am. I am just a farmer boy living in a little house on the prairie… I'm glad you're happy. I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
Amy: Oh, you did, you did! It's perfect! You do know that my birthday's tomorrow, right?
Sheldon: This is just step one of your birthday weekend. Now, would you care to join me for an authentic frontier dinner made entirely from scratch?
Amy: I can't believe you did this. It's amazing!
Sheldon: Oh, it's not a big deal. Just to be clear, it was a big deal… I was being modest. You got that, right?
Amy: Loud and clear.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you're hungry.
Amy: Oh, I'm starving.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Starvation is authentic to the time period… If you also have malaria and a deep distrust of Native Americans, we're really cooking with a woodstove.
Amy: Is that butter?
Sheldon: Yes. But don't blow it all on one biscuit. Took me nine hours to make that… I think I got churner's elbow.
Amy: I know we only have coitus on my birthday, but I don't know if I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Oh, well, you'll be glad you did. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Hey. What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I've decided to write my own Christmas letter. So I'm gonna make a list of all the cool things we did this year.
Penny: Oh, fun. Can I help?
Leonard: Yes. Can you think of a single cool thing we did this year?
Penny: Uh, well, both of our jobs are going great.
Leonard: Sure. I mean, my Air Force project got taken away, and you're not crazy about selling pharmaceuticals… I'll just write down "still employed." Oh, we had our second anniversary.
Penny: Uh, yeah, but we did kind of forget about it, so maybe just write "still married."
Leonard: Great. Okay. Okay, that's a start… What else?
Penny: You know, maybe this is enough.
Leonard: Let's look at our pictures; that-that'll jog our memories.
Penny: What is that a picture of?
Leonard: Oh, uh, that's a mole on my back… I wanted to make sure it wasn't growing.
Penny: How'd you get a picture of your own back?
Leonard: Sheldon took it. We're kind of mole buddies.
Penny: Hey, that's a cute picture. Isn't that the day we almost went to the beach?
Leonard: Memorial Day?
Penny: No, that was the day we almost went to the mountains.
Leonard: Oh. That's the great thing about California; you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach in the same day.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj’s apartment
Howard: Look, I'm sorry about not inviting you to Halley's birthday. That wasn't cool. And of course we would love to have you. Here.
Raj: Thank you. I'd really like to be there.
Howard: Great, 'cause it's tomorrow, and I need you to plan it.
Raj: What?
Howard: Stuart was gonna help, but the free clinic had an open spot for a colonoscopy, and he jumped on it.
Raj: So-so-so you're just apologizing because you need something?
Howard: Yes, and I think it's pretty mature of me to admit it.
Raj: Well, that's very insulting.
Howard: Right again. Are you gonna help me or not?
Raj: No, I will not help you… But I will help Halley. She's my goddaughter, and I love her. And I have a lot of party favours left over from Cinnamon's birthday, so... I hope she likes things that squeak when you chew on them.
Howard: Sh-She's a human being, not an animal. But that actually would be a hit.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: Can I get you anything else?
Amy: No, thanks. I think I'm good.
Sheldon: You sure? There's still plenty of pork fat. Although, if we don't eat it, I suppose we could turn it into soap.
Amy: That might taste better… I think I'm just gonna go over here and sit on the couch.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Then we will move on to stage two: the pitching of woo.
Amy: Ooh.
Sheldon: Should I read you some bawdy 19th century limericks?
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, here. "There once was a priest from Terre Haute who purchased a sheep and a goat..."
Amy: Hold on a second. Is it getting hot in here?
Sheldon: Well, I didn't even get to the dirty part yet.
Amy: No, I-I'm serious. Do you think there was something wrong with that food?
Sheldon: Frontier scallops? I shouldn't think so.
Amy: My stomach's feeling a little weird.
Sheldon: Yeah. Uh, mine, too. I'm sure it's just the first sharp cramps of arousal.
Amy: No. Th-This doesn't feel right.
Sheldon: Hey, hey, save that sexy talk for the bedroom… You know, if you'll excuse me, I am just going to go freshen up.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'll be out in a minute.
Amy: I don't have a minute!
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Howard: I can't believe you pulled this all together overnight.
Raj: Uh, if I had more time, I could have gotten the Blue Man Group… One of them goes to my dry cleaner. Who, by the way, hates him.
Howard: You really saved the day.
Raj: Well, it's not for you. It's for Halley.
Howard: And I'm sure she'd appreciate it, if she knew what's going on or who you are.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Sheldon: Morning. Happy birthday.
Amy: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: Did you sleep at all?
Amy: No. You?
Sheldon: I passed out on the toilet once. I don't know if that counts.
Amy: Feel any better?
Sheldon: I feel terrible. Well... Should we make love now?
Amy: How can you even think about sex?
Sheldon: Hey, I'm a man; I have annual needs just like anyone. And besides, it's our birthday tradition.
Amy: You think you can do it while I lie perfectly still and you don't touch me?
Sheldon: I can try… Want to do it again?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: "Kept Fern alive"? Who's Fern?
Leonard: No, the fern. The one in the bathroom.
Penny: We're really calling that brown thing alive? Okay. So, how long have you been working on this?
Leonard: Oh, couple hours. I-I took a break to try to beat my high score on Mario Kart.
Penny: Well, did you do it?
Leonard: Do you see it on the board?
Penny: Okay, this is silly. Our lives are great.
Leonard: I think so, too.
Penny: So then why is this bugging you so much?
Leonard: I guess it feels like everyone's moving forward and we're stuck.
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, we've been married two years. Should we think about what's next? Like buying a house or having a baby?
Penny: Look, I want to do all those things someday, but there's a bunch of stuff I want to do first.
Leonard: Okay, like what?
Penny: I don't know, stay thin and have money.
Leonard: No, no, I-I'm serious. If there's things we want to do, let's start doing them.
Penny: Okay. Well, we've never been on a big trip together.
Leonard: I would love that.
Penny: Okay, there's something for your letter: "Considered going on a trip."
Leonard: It's just a day trip, but we could take the ferry out to Catalina.
Penny: Great, let's do it.
Sheldon: Amy's in the bathroom and I need to...!
Penny: It's like I can hear the ocean already.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Howard: Okay. Thanks for letting me know.
Raj: Hey, what's going on?
Howard: Bernadette's sister's kids are sick and they're not coming.
Raj: But they're the whole reason the cupcakes are vegan!
Bernadette: How's the party coming?
Howard: Good! Great! Our friends should be here any second!
Raj: Those are the only other people you invited? What about the kids from the Daddy and Me class?
Howard: Oh, grow up.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I left the food out.
Amy: You afraid it's gonna go good?
Sheldon: How are you feeling?
Amy: Ugh. My stomach aches, I got the chills, my mouth tastes weird, it hurts to swallow, and I've got a little double vision.
Sheldon: Yeah. I'm feeling better, too.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Howard: Well, this party's a disaster.
Raj: Don't blame the party! You know how many favours I had to call in with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?
Howard: Is that Wonder Woman?
Raj: Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.
Howard: Then I take it back; it's a great party.
Raj: Well, you can sit here and sulk if you want. I'm gonna go celebrate Halley's first birthday. Which I planned with no help from you.
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: It's a bounce house! I'm gonna go bounce in it!
Howard: You're supposed to take your shoes off before you go in there!
Bounce house
Howard: You know what? I'm stressed about my daughter's birthday party. I don't need your attitude.
Raj: Well, I worked really hard on this, and you haven't even said thank you.
Howard: Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you for blaming me for everything that's wrong in your life! Thank you for walking out on our friendship!
Raj: You are welcome! And thank you for mocking me for all of these years!
Howard: Thank you for making it so easy!
Raj: Why are you being such a jerk?
Howard: Because you're my best friend and you hurt my feelings!
Raj: Well, you're my best friend and you hurt my feelings!
Howard: I can't believe you shoved me!
Raj: Well, I can't believe you shoved me!
Howard: But it was kind of fun, wasn't it?!
Raj: It was! Do it again!
Howard: Gladly!
Raj: Okay, now at the same time!
Howard: Oh, oh, that was awesome!
Raj: Yeah, okay, this time, knees, then feet.
Howard: One, two, three.
Raj: Again! Again!
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Howard: You made it.
Stuart: How you two feeling?
Amy: Oh, a little better.
Sheldon: Those books should have been called Little Outhouse on the Prairie.
Bernadette: Halley's awake and ready for her party!
Howard: Be right up!
Penny: Ooh, I want to see the birthday girl.
Raj: I'd love to see her.
Bernadette: If you also want to change the birthday girl, you're in luck!
Sheldon: You know... It's still your birthday.
Amy: It is.
Sheldon: And... We are both... Feeling better.
Amy: We are. And there's no one in that bounce house.
Sheldon: No. Great… Let's go jump for a bit, and then find a bedroom to have coitus in.
