Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Penny: This was a good idea. It's been a long time since we've had girls' night.
Amy: Yeah, it's so nice to have a relaxing evening at home doing nothing.
Bernadette: Yeah, really breaks up the other 30 days I've spent on bed rest doing nothing.
Amy: Well, tonight we're gonna make you forget all that.
Bernadette: You're gonna make me forget I've been stuck in bed while a baby uses my bladder as a kickball?
Penny: Hey, you had unprotected sex with Howard. You deserve to be miserable.
Raj: Hey, I need some fashion advice.
Amy: Really? From me? I would love to...
Raj: Actually, Leonard told me Penny was over here?
Penny: Hey, what's going on? You got a date?
Raj: I, uh, do have a date... With science.
Penny: Oh, what's science wearing?
Raj: The Griffith Observatory is looking for an astrophysicist to consult, and I have an interview tomorrow.
Penny: Oh, I love the observatory. They tell you your weight on all the different planets. Yeah. It's always bikini season on Venus.
Amy: I think you'd be great at that. Don't you agree, Bernadette?
Bernadette: Huh? I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm not watching The Crown.
Raj: I just want to make a good first impression, and thought maybe you could help me pick out an outfit?
Penny: Of course. Let's see what you got.
Amy: Yeah, you just need to pick something that-that you feel confident in.
Raj: I'm sorry. I left my magic clothes at home.
Penny: I'm sure these two options will be f... So you-you have other clothes at home?
Raj: Uh, it doesn't matter. They're talking to a bunch of people. I probably won't get it anyway.
Penny: Well, don't say that.
Amy: Yeah, you have to believe in yourself.
Raj: You know, before I came to America, I was filled with confidence. What happened to me?
Howard: Hey, is that Raj there at girls' night?
Raj: Hey, Howard.
Howard: Well, hey. Just remember, if you fall asleep first, they're gonna freeze your bra.
Caltech: cafeteria
Howard: You and Amy having fun planning your wedding?
Sheldon: We're employing a mathematical approach called decision theory, so, heck, yeah.
Leonard: Heck, yeah? Looks like someone need to put a dollar in the almost-swear jar.
Sheldon: We've assigned all wedding decisions randomly, and each of us makes half of them. You know, from venue to officiant to numbering system for the tables: Roman or Dewey Decimal.
Leonard: Why not hexadecimal?
Sheldon: 'Cause this is our wedding, not a joke.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Oh, good. Raj is here to tell us today's specials.
Raj: Very funny. I have my interview this afternoon.
Howard: Oh. If it doesn't work out, you're ready to go on your Mormon mission.
Sheldon: I-I don't understand what's going on here.
Raj: Oh, what's going on here is I'm up for a job at the planetarium, and Howard is making fun of me.
Sheldon: Oh, that's great. You're both doing what you love.
Leonard: Well, I'm excited for you.
Raj: Oh, thanks, yeah. I'd be in charge of developing and narrating all the planetarium shows. And I really want this, so it wouldn't kill you to be more supportive.
Howard: But if it did, you could bury me at the funeral home you direct.
Sheldon: Wait. The premise is that he is dressed differently?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's true. He is not dressed the same.
Caltech: Raj’s office
Raj: Hey, Dad.
V.M.: Hello, Rajesh. How was the interview?
Raj: Uh, not so great. They asked me what my biggest weakness was, and 45 minutes later, they thanked me for coming.
V.M.: Son, don't take this the wrong way, but what's your problem?
Raj: I would tell you, but apparently it takes 45 minutes.
V.M.: You know what? I bet it's those friends you surround yourself with. Like that Howard, always making fun of you.
Raj: Howard doesn't mean anything by it. I-I think it's cultural. His people come from a very sarcastic village called Brooklyn.
V.M.: Don't make excuses. What kind of friend acts that way?
Raj: Well, I-I guess...
V.M.: It was a rhetorical question. A bad friend!
Raj: Come on, Dad! That's just our relationship, okay? He makes Indian jokes, and I laugh, but, you know, with angry eyes so he knows it's not okay.
V.M.: I, too, was in a relationship with someone who made me feel bad about myself.
Raj: If you're talking about Mom, I don't want to hear it.
V.M.: I'm just saying, if you replace Howard with a nice 22-year-old grad student, your self-confidence will soar.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: All right, Amy, you're up. Next decision.
Amy: Come on, first dance! Come on, first dance!
Sheldon: Invitations!
Amy: Oh!
Sheldon: That's a good one. Just a suggestion… Hologram projected out of R2-D2.
Amy: Thanks for your input, but this is my decision, and I'm gonna go with... Old English calligraphy on Egyptian papyrus.
Sheldon: Oh, what a fun mashup. It's like the chicken and waffles of orthography.
Amy: Your turn.
Sheldon: Ring bearer! Oh. Boy, I'm so glad that R2-D2 is still available.
Amy: You know, this is really fun. I can't believe that people say that planning a wedding is one of the most stressful things in life.
Sheldon: I know. Not a day goes by that I don't marvel how much better we are than other people.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Penny: I'm so sorry the interview didn't go well.
Leonard: Yeah, you would've been perfect for it.
Raj: Oh, I just get so nervous, and then I start apologizing for being nervous, and... You guys don't want to hear about this. I'm sorry.
Penny: Stop apologizing!
Raj: Oh, my God! You sound just like the woman at the interview!
Penny: Have you ever thought about talking to some kind of therapist about all this?
Raj: Ugh. Maybe. Hey, Leonard, do you think your mom would be available?
Leonard: Yeah, you don't want to do that. Talking to my mom to get more confidence is like talking to a lion to get more alive.
Raj: Well, my dad thinks it's because Howard's always making fun of me.
Leonard: Well, that makes sense.
Penny: Well, what do you mean, that makes sense?
Leonard: Well, Howard does make fun of him a lot.
Penny: Well, that's not all Howard's fault. I mean, if Raj doesn't want to be made fun of, then I... Hmm. I don't know a nice way to finish this sentence.
Raj: Well, so you're on his side?
Penny: I'm just saying, that's what friends do. You know, they bust on each other. It doesn't mean anything.
Leonard: Well, I'm not surprised you think so.
Penny: Why is that?
Leonard: Well, you can be kind of mean to me.
Penny: Well, that's because you're... Wow. I don't know how to finish that sentence, either.
Raj: You know what? I think we're both done being disrespected.
Leonard: I got a few rounds left in me.
Penny: Attaboy, champ.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: Okay, let's see what we've got so far.
Amy: I arrive in a Little House on the Prairie style horse-drawn buggy.
Sheldon: Where you are met with an honour guard of stormtroopers.
Amy: Do you think that might be jarring, going from wholesome pioneers to space Nazis?
Sheldon: I see what you're saying. You're thinking that you should arrive in a replica of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder.
Amy: It's not what I'm thinking, and to save you the trouble for the future, it will never be what I'm thinking.
Sheldon: Well... If the ushers are so important to you, what if I propose a trade? You may pick that, and I will decide, say, first dance.
Amy: Great. Then the ushers will be... My cousins dressed in frontier frock coats.
Sheldon: Oh. And the first dance will be that we won't have one.
Amy: All right. Then our... Second dance will be the first dance.
Sheldon: Unless we have no dance at all. Ha-ha.
Amy: Well, if we're changing things, then instead of throwing confetti, we'll release butterflies.
Sheldon: Airborne worms?! Have you lost your mind?! Well, if you're going to do that, then I am changing the officiant to that husky Spider-Man that hangs out at the Chinese Theater.
Amy: Fine. Wedding toasts in Latin.
Sheldon: Great. Vows in Klingon.
Amy: Then I'm changing the flower girl to a dog… And guess what he'll be scattering instead of petals!
Caltech: Raj’s office
Howard: Want to grab some lunch?
Raj: You know what? I don't think so.
Howard: Well, let me guess. You're not eating because the mean girls circled your chubby bits in marker?
Raj: No. That. That right there. That's the reason. You're always making fun of me.
Howard: Oh, those are just jokes. It's my way of saying that we're friends, and it wouldn't hurt you to drop a few!
Raj: See? No wonder I don't have any confidence.
Howard: Come on. You can't blame that on me.
Raj: Why not? 15 years of constant ridicule. I-I think our relationship has become toxic.
Howard: Uh, what are you saying?
Raj: I think you and I need to spend some time away from each other.
Howard: Look, I... I can see you're upset, but... I'm gonna need some ground rules. I mean, while we're apart, can I see other needy Indian men?
Raj: Get out!
Caltech: cafeteria
Sheldon: What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy: a cake made with salt instead of sugar... Or a cake iced with congealed gravy?
Leonard: That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.
Sheldon: Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.
Howard: I forget, which mental hospital are you guys registered at?
Raj: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hello.
Howard: Hello… Really? You're not gonna sit here?
Raj: I'll sit there as soon as you leave.
Howard: You're still on this? I said sorry.
Raj: Well, "sorry" doesn't make up for years of emotional abuse.
Howard: Well, what's it gonna take? You want half my sandwich?
Sheldon: What is going on?
Howard: Raj is trying to blame me for his pathetic life.
Sheldon: His life isn't pathetic. He's got that whole table to himself.
Leonard: One of us should go sit with Raj so he's not alone.
Sheldon: But I'm not done telling you about my wedding revenge plans.
Leonard: You're right. Go on.
Sheldon: Okay, well, first, I'm going to try to get Amy to trade with me for hors d'oeuvres...
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: Oh, good, you're here. I've decided on our centerpieces. I just hope your family isn't allergic to asbestos.
Amy: Sheldon, please stop. If we keep doing this, we're gonna end up with a wedding that neither one of us will enjoy.
Sheldon: Are you saying you don't want to get married?
Amy: No, of course I do. But that seems to be the one thing we can agree on. Maybe we should just get married at City Hall and forget about everything else.
Sheldon: City Hall, hmm… I do like metal detectors and the sound of permits being denied.
Amy: Right. And if we're not enjoying planning this wedding, then what's the point?
Sheldon: Well, historically, a wedding was to let other potential suitors know that we're unavailable. But I think matching T-shirts that say "Hands off the merchandise" accomplish the same thing.
Amy: So let's pick a day and just go do it.
Sheldon: How 'bout tomorrow?
Amy: R-Really? That soon?
Sheldon: Why wait? I mean, it's not that I think we're living in sin, but I do like the idea that our next act of intimacy will be a legal requirement.
Amy: Tomorrow we'll go downtown and get married.
Sheldon: Or we could go to Beverly Hills City Hall if you want a destination wedding.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Hey. You look good today.
Leonard: What happened? What's wrong? Just tell me. I can take it.
Penny: Nothing. I felt bad about being mean to you, so I'm being nice.
Leonard: Oh, okay. Sorry. I wasn't ready for it. Try again.
Penny: You look handsome.
Leonard: Nope, still freaking me out.
Raj: Hello, friends!
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, what's going on with your hair?
Raj: Uh, nothing. I just decided to stop straightening it.
Penny: Wait, so you were making your hair look like that on purpose?
Raj: When I first moved to America, I wanted to fit in. And Howard's hair was straight, and he was the coolest person I knew.
Penny: Then you never saw any other people?
Raj: You know what, I-I don't want to talk about Howard. I came here to celebrate! Yeah. I went back to the planetarium and told them they were making a huge mistake, that I'd be perfect for the job. I was... I was charming, I was confident. And they gave it to me.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: That's amazing!
Raj: Yeah, plus, it turns out the guy they hired got busted at a sketchy massage parlour.
Penny: Oh, so happy ending for you! Oh, and for him.
Raj: Yeah, I was on my way to tell Howard, and then I remembered I wasn't speaking to him, so I came over here.
Leonard: Mm, don't you think it's time you two made up?
Raj: No. No, actually. I don't need his negative energy in my life right now. Standing up to him was-was hard, but it made me realize that I can do anything. And, yeah, it's a little sad, but, you know, life is all about...
Penny: Uh, sorry. I thought you were wrapping things up.
Comic book center
Stuart: Hey, Howard.
Howard: Hey.
Stuart: Where is everybody?
Howard: I could ask you the same question.
Stuart: Wow, this conversation got mean fast.
Howard: Sorry. I'm just in a bad mood.
Stuart: Yeah? What's going on?
Howard: I had a falling out with Raj. He said I make fun of him too much and it's wrecked his confidence.
Stuart: Please, confidence is like red blood cells… It's nice if you got some, but you don't need 'em.
Howard: Yeah. I mean, your life's a mess. I don't see you blaming other people for it.
Stuart: That's right. I grew up in a loving, supportive household… This is all on me.
Howard: Maybe I'll just hang out here for a while.
Stuart: Great. And you can make fun of me all you want.
Howard: No, that's okay.
Stuart: No, no, no. Go on. I can take it. My feelings, like my extremities, are basically numb.
City hall
Denise: Here's your license. Now, if you wait over there, we'll call you when the officiant's ready.
Sheldon: Do we need a blood test?
Denise: No.
Sheldon: Well, then, how will you know whether or not we have syphilis?
Denise: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you don't have that.
Amy: Okay, Sheldon, you officially exceeded the number of times I hoped to hear the word "syphilis" on my wedding day.
City hall: waiting room
Amy: I can't believe we're doing this.
Sheldon: I know. I'm getting married. The new Star Wars movie's coming out. We are really finishing this year strong.
Amy: Okay, but of the two of tho... You know, I'm not even gonna ask. I'm not gonna ask.
Sheldon: Are you sad we're not having a big party?
Amy: I'm really not. I'm here with you. It's perfect.
Clerk: Cooper-Fowler? You're up.
Amy: Can you believe it? We're about to walk in that door, Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler, and walk out as a married couple, Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler.
Sheldon: Wait. I want to have a first dance with you.
Amy: Right here?
Sheldon: At our wedding.
Amy: Th-This is our wedding.
Sheldon: No. I want a real wedding.
Amy: Well... Sheldon, it was just making us fight.
Sheldon: I know. But, Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone. So the fact that I found you is astonishing. It's-it's like finding dark matter, except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you. S-So you're even better than dark matter.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Plus, plus, you interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...
Amy: Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.
Sheldon: Right. Sorry. But when you make a discovery like this, you don't just take it down to City Hall… You tell the whole world. And so I'll say it in Latin or Klingon or-or smoke signals, if-if that's not cultural appropriation.
Amy: It is.
Sheldon: Okay, so not smoke signals… But I want to do this right.
Amy: Me, too. Let's go plan a wedding.
Sheldon: You know, we did get dressed up and come all the way to City Hall.
Amy: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: I have always wanted a permit to dispose of hazardous waste.
Amy: Let's do it.
Planetarium
Raj: Do we know if there's life in the methane plumes of Enceladus or under the icy surface of Europa? Come back on Tuesday for my next show to find out. Spoiler alert: we don't… I'm Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and thank you for taking a walk with me through the stars.
Penny: Wow. I never knew science could be so interesting.
Leonard: Hey, I talk to you about science all the time.
Penny: Oh, you sure do, sweetie.
Amy: Should we go congratulate him?
Sheldon: I'll do better than that… I'll give him constructive criticism.
Amy: Here's some constructive criticism: don't.
Leonard: I'll catch up with you guys.
Penny: Okay… Raj, you were terrific!
Raj: Oh, thank you. I was so nervous, my armpits are like a swamp.
Penny: Oh, your hug just got downgraded to a high five… Your palms are sweaty, too.
Leonard: Hey. What are you doing all the way in the back?
Howard: Hiding out. I wasn't sure if I was welcome.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. You guys are best friends. Of course he wants you here.
Howard: You sure? He seems to be doing pretty well without me.
Leonard: Look, he was just stressed out. His life is not better without you. Come on. Come say hi.
Howard: Okay.
Danielle: Dr. Koothrappali, I just wanted to tell you that was amazing.
Sheldon: Uh, counterpoint...
Amy: To the car.
Danielle: Can I ask you a question?
Raj: Of course you can. Ooh, that went well. Ask me another.
Howard: I think I'm just gonna go.
Danielle: If there is life beneath the surface of these planets, how would we even detect it?
Raj: Uh, that's a complicated question.
Danielle: Let me start with a simpler one. Can I buy you a coffee?
Raj: A-Also a complicated question. Because I want to say yes, but if I drink coffee this late, then I'll be up all night.
Penny: Decaf, genius.
Raj: I would love to.