Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?
Leonard: Yeah. Let me finish packing this stuff up. You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Year's.
Penny: Yeah, but he doesn't live here anymore.
Leonard: Well, he doesn't live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter… And that's the same man who complains you can't find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.
Penny: Oh. It's Bernadette. She says they're running late. "The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard."
Leonard: Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hi! Welcome back. How was Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, you know. The Lone Star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.
Amy: It was not a great trip.
Penny: Well, you're home now.
Sheldon: Yeah. It is good to be home. I... Oh, good Lord! Is that mistletoe? Don't you maniacs own a calendar?
Penny: I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Leonard: Did you at least have a good flight down there?
Sheldon: It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me. I slept the whole way.
Penny: So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?
Leonard: And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.
Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother's house...
Rent car
Sheldon: How did we get in the car?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Leonard: Hold on. How did you get him in the car?
Amy: I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.
Rent car
Amy: So, while we're at your mother's house, it might be a good time to tell her that we're living together.
Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don't want to hear the religious lecture.
Amy: Maybe there won't be one.
Sheldon: There's always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend… That one had some un-Christian words in it.
Amy: Well, she likes me. You know, there's a chance she might be okay with it.
Sheldon: Eh, I don't know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: Do boys have flowers?
Leonard: Who knows what he has down there.
Penny: Mm.
Mary’s house: lunch room
Sheldon: Anyway...
Mary: Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it.
Sheldon: Amen. Given that your hands prepared it, isn't that a little self-serving?
Mary: You start changing the words to the prayers, next thing you know, you're in a church with a guitar.
Amy: Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious.
Mary: Oh, it's my pleasure. Mm. I'm so glad y'all could make it. So, tell me, what's going on back home?
Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.
Mary: Oh, that's wonderful! Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?
Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.
Amy: They haven't said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait... I... Shouldn't we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.
Mary: Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.
Amy: All right.
Sheldon: This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I'm going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon's not.
Mary: Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.
Sheldon: What? What... Where's the judgment? W-Where's the fire and brimstone? Where's the part where you tell us we're going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We're already there!
Mary: Obviously, I would prefer if you weren't living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I'm very happy for you.
Sheldon: And what "special circumstances" are those?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: Oh, boy, I think it's about to get bad.
Mary’s house: lunch room
Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What, so... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Mary: No! Just for the middle part… 'Cause at the end I assumed there'd be nurses.
Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.
Amy: Sheldon, don't overreact.
Sheldon: I'm the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.
Amy: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Mary: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Well, I was in my room, I couldn't hear what they were saying.
Amy: I'll take over from here.
Mary’s house: living room
Amy: He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary: He's upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him.
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary: Oh, heck no.
Amy: Sheldon, what... What are you doing?
Sheldon: Just being the un-socialized eccentric my mother always thought I was.
Mary: You startin' to see why I didn't go in there? Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.
Amy: We're ignoring the fins... Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. And I don't understand why you're taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she's saying you're a weirdo, too.
Amy: I don't think that's what she's saying.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Sheldon: And...?
Amy: That's exactly what she was saying.
Sheldon: Can you believe my mother thinks we're both strange?
Leonard: Absolutely not!
Penny: That's... Too loud.
Leonard: Absolutely not.
Amy: Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.
Sheldon: Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.
Rent car
Amy: You know, I'm sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you're not alone.
Sheldon: You're right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard's mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton...
Amy: What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?
Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You're right between Koothrappali's father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.
Amy: Well, let's try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.
Sheldon: I knew we should've never mentioned us living together in the first place.
Amy: She was gonna find out eventually.
Sheldon: Disagree. We've known about evolution since 1859. She still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat… This could have all been avoided if you'd only listened to me.
Amy: Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Amy: This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.
Sheldon: You "managed the situation."
Amy: That's right.
Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I'm incapable of running my own life.
Amy: Not your whole life! I mean, science. You got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you're the king… But understanding how other people are feeling, that's a weak spot for you.
Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.
Amy: Have you? How am I feeling right now?
Sheldon: What the... How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter.
Amy: You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.
Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?
Amy: Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all?
Sheldon: "Delighted"? What... Not if I guessed for a hundred years.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Hey, guys.
Leonard, Sheldon and Amy: Hey.
Penny: Hi. There's the little family!
Raj: Hello.
Stuart: Hello.
Leonard: And their Sherpas.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Howard: The baby's asleep, can we put her in your room?
Penny: Yeah. Go ahead.
Amy: Do you need help?
Howard: No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Bernadette: Sorry we're late.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.
Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I'll catch you up.
Rent Car
Sheldon: How did we get in the car?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Penny: Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head...
Leonard: On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.
Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?
Penny: Okay. Then what happened?
Sheldon: Well, there's really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring… My mother made me take it out… Amy put alcohol on it… And here we are.
Howard: What did we miss?
Bernadette: I couldn't explain it if I tried.
Later
Penny: So tell me, how did Sheldon look with an earring?
Amy: Like the pirate who helps the other pirates connect to the Internet.
Howard: So what did you and Leonard do?
Penny: Actually, we got in a pretty nasty fight.
Leonard: It might've been the worst one we've ever had.
Raj: Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard: Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then, I find out that she watched two episodes without me.
Bernadette: It's like I was excited for a present and got socks.
Stuart: I don't understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.
Sheldon: I don't understand what's wrong with socks.
Penny: To be fair, we may have been on edge because of the Christmas tree.
Howard: What happened with the tree?
Leonard’s car
Penny: You do make a cute elf.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? And you thought Spock ears were only good for Comic-Con.
Penny: Hey, hey, I just found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.
Leonard: Oh cool, I'll be like a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.
Later
Leonard: Stupid idea.
Penny: No, what's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand when you swing an axe, you don't let go.
Leonard: For the tenth time, my mittens were slippery!
Penny: Ugh. It's 70 degrees, you didn't need mittens.
Leonard: You know how easily I blister.
Penny: Yes, yes, you bruise, you peel. It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.
Leonard: Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or-or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: There's something on the windshield.
Stairs
Penny: You need a break?
Leonard: Do not need a break.
Penny: There's no shame in asking for a break.
Leonard: If I need a break, I'll ask for a break!
Penny: Ugh.
Later
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: There's a tree on you.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Penny: Oh!
Leonard: Sh... Ooh
Penny: Ah.
Leonard: You want to decorate it tonight?
Penny: Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure.
Leonard: I hope it kills us both.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.
Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: Hey, how's life with your baby?
Amy: Really? You're never gonna touch their baby?
Sheldon: To this day I've never touched Stuart.
Bernadette: It's been wonderful, Sheldon, thanks for asking.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Bernadette: Oh, please stop crying, I'm begging you! I don't know what else to do! My boobs are empty. Do you want lasagna? Shh, shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay. Shh… What have we done?
Howard: Hey, I found superhero baby wipes, the perfect way to clean up crime... And tushies.
Bernadette: Ugh. It took me two hours to get her down.
Stuart: Oh, you-you relax, I'll take this shift.
Raj: You know, in India when my baby brother cried like that, the servants would just take him far away so we couldn't hear it… Not always, sometimes we'd leave.
Howard: Hey, he got her to stop.
Bernadette: That was so fast.
Raj: Oh, he's really good with her.
Bernadette: Yeah, he has a gift.
Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Nothing, these are happy tears.
Howard: Oh, good.
Bernadette: No they're not, you bozo! How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?
Howard: I mean, it's Stuart. Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.
Bernadette: Not funny.
Raj: She's tired, that was funny.
Bernadette: Everyone's a better mom than me.
Raj: Oh, don't take it so personally, maybe your baby's just a jerk.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: W-What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?
Leonard: Ignore him. How did you get the baby to stop crying?
Stuart: Oh, I just talked to her. I've been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.
Penny: You poor things, you must be exhausted.
Howard: It has been hard to sleep with all the crying.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest! It's like hating a frozen yogurt machine.
Howard: She doesn't hate you, stop saying that.
Bernadette: Now you hate me too!
Howard: Shh, I don't hate you.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they're doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.
Bernadette: Thank you, Sheldon, I'm feeling better now.
Sheldon: Thank you, Internet. I'm telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.
Penny: So things started to turn around?
Bernadette: Yeah, eventually I figured out how to get the baby to sleep.
Leonard: Please tell me you didn't use Amy's magic juice.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: nursery
Howard: Bernie?
Bernadette: Shh. She's asleep.
Howard: Great. And where are you?
Bernadette: Down here.
Howard: Oh. This is new.
Bernadette: I didn't know what else to do. It worked.
Howard: Well, I'd say that's thinking outside the box, but... Come on.
Bernadette: Don't make me laugh.
Howard: Do you need help getting out?
Bernadette: I think I live here now. It's fine.
Howard: Is it okay if I get some sleep?
Bernadette: Yeah, go ahead.
Howard: Good job, Mommy. I'm proud of you.
Bernadette: Don't make me cry, either.
Howard: Good night. I love both my girls.
Bernadette: We love you, too.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Penny: I can't believe you fit in the crib.
Bernadette: I could take a bath in the sink… I don't, but I can.
Raj: So how were your holidays?
Stuart: thank you for asking. Uh, I, uh, went to visit my grandmother. She's in Bakersfield. Uh, usually my brother and sister go... Oh, come on!
Penny and Leonard’s apartment
Amy: That was fun, thank you.
Bernadette: Yeah, thanks.
Penny: Our pleasure.
Leonard: See you guys at work.
Raj: Be there bright and early.
Howard: Not me, paternity leave.
Sheldon: Oh! A small human wreaks havoc on his wife's genitals and he gets time off.
Howard: With pay, sucka! Forgot the baby, still new to this.