Penny and Leonard’s apartment: Penny’s fantasy
Penny: What... What's all this?
Leonard: Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day, so I wanted you to come home to something nice.
Penny: Oh, that is so thoughtful.
Leonard: Hey, do you remember when we went wine tasting in Santa Barbara and you said that was the best rosé you'd ever had?
Penny: Yeah, I remember us driving up there, going to the winery and... That's it.
Leonard: And this wine is why.
Penny: Oh. Hey, what smells so good?
Leonard: I made your favourite: pizza bagels!
Penny: Pink wine and pizza bagels? It's like eighth grade all over again. I am so lucky to have you.
Leonard: Well, now be careful, these are hot. I-I could explain the thermodynamics of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust, but instead, I'm gonna keep it to myself.
Penny: Oh. You always know what not to say. I just, I can't believe you did all this.
Leonard: Well, you know, it's easy to take each other for granted and I never want to do that to you, because your love, it's like a river. It's peaceful and deep. Your soul is, it's like a secret that I never could keep.
Penny: You did not just quote an NSYNC song.
Leonard: I quoted your favourite NSYNC song.
Penny: Oh... Mm.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: Damn. I burped so hard, I died in my game.
Stairs
Sheldon: Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you: what size shoe do you wear?
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I'm trying to take more of an interest in other people's lives.
Leonard: That's nice. I wear a size eight and a half.
Sheldon: That's small… So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?
Sheldon: Only if the answer is "shopping for baby shoes."
Leonard: If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work and she's taking me.
Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you'll come home with… My money's on fungal… They're still having girl night across the hall.
Leonard: Oh, so, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
Sheldon: At our age, why don't we call it man's night?
Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment
Amy: Penny, is it weird that we're having girls' night here, but you don't live here anymore, so it's basically my girls' night?
Penny: I hadn't really thought about it.
Amy: But now you're thinking about it and it bothers you? I get that.
Bernadette: Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?
Amy: Better than ever. He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life. He's like my boyfriend in college, except he's real, so people can see him.
Bernadette: I've been seeing him for years, I'm still not convinced he's real.
Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question? You've been married for a while. Is it normal for the husband to kind of completely stop giving a crap?
Bernadette: Uh-oh, what's going on?
Penny: Well, Leonard used to do all these things, like bring me flowers and wear pants.
Bernadette: It's okay, Howie never has on pants. The Domino's guy brings the pizza like this now.
Amy: Well, Sheldon always has his pants on. I don't think I could pick his knees out of a lineup.
Penny: Well, it's not just the pants. Just, it's like since we got married, he doesn't really try anymore.
Amy: Uh, Penny? I don't know how to say this, but this is my first girls' night and you're kind of bumming everybody out.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: kitchen
Howard: All right, got Halley to sleep.
Raj: Yeah, I heard you on the baby monitor. Didn't think you could turn the theme from Walking Dead into a lullaby.
Howard: Yeah, got to get her hooked on TV, or someday, she'll want me to play outside… Boy, that floor is so squeaky. I'm surprised I didn't wake her up walking out of the room.
Raj: Have you tried anything to fix it?
Howard: Well, I put the rug down. It didn't help.
Raj: I know. Blue shag. What were you thinking?
Howard: Did try nailing a couple of the boards down.
Raj: Did that do anything?
Howard: Yeah, it left little holes in the floor, that's why I bought the rug.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: If you do that, I'll win in eight moves… I'll win in five moves… I'll win in one move.
Leonard: Oh, no. Good game.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I'm trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls' night?
Penny: Oh, it was fine.
Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?
Penny: Uh, chips.
Sheldon: Anything to drink?
Penny: Some wine.
Sheldon: Well, I'm just playing tennis against the drapes here.
Leonard: Just ignore him.
Penny: Hmm. At least he took an interest.
Leonard: What's that supposed to mean?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: Hey, what's going on with you?
Penny: I don't want to talk about it.
Leonard: Well, hey, come on, just tell me.
Penny: Fine. Lately, I kind of feel like you've been taking me for granted.
Leonard: Wh-what? Where is this coming from?
Sheldon: Leonard. She might be drunk.
Penny: All she had was chips. It's just, since we got married you seem to think you don't have to try anymore.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Penny: This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it.
Leonard: No, No, no, no. Let's talk about it. I'm the one who's made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do.
Penny: Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.
Leonard: Fine, go ahead.
Sheldon: Amy is free… She had a harp lesson on Saturday, but it got cancelled... Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen
Bernadette: Okay. Thanks, Daddy… He said the only way to really fix an old floor like that is to tear it up and replace the whole thing.
Howard: That sounds expensive.
Raj: Hang on. No offense to her father, but he's not an MIT-trained engineer. Thinking and building is what you do.
Howard: MIT's motto is "Mind and hand," which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.
Raj: Oh, come on. We just need to be more creative. What if you didn't step on the floor at all? Like, what if you... Swung on a rope from the ceiling?
Howard: No.
Raj: Okay. Um... Okay. What if you rig up a pulley system and move yourself across the room in a harness?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: I have one. What if you got a giant slingshot and flung yourself into the wall?
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Raj: Hold on… Yeah, that's funny.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment
Penny: All right, we're heading out.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Amy: I'll call you when we get to the hotel.
Sheldon: And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?
Amy: I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.
Leonard: Have fun.
Penny: Thanks. Are you ready?
Amy: Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.
Leonard: Go ahead, it's fine.
Sheldon: Bye.
Amy: Bye.
Leonard: Okay!
Penny: Let's go!
Amy: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Amy: I'll miss you.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'll miss you, too.
Amy: I'll miss you more.
Sheldon: Well, if X equals the amount that you'll miss me, then I'll miss you X plus one.
Amy: If you miss me X plus one, I'll miss you open paren X plus one, close paren to the second...
Leonard: Thank you.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: You're sad, so I made you tea.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: And it's just the way you like it.
Leonard: Earl Grey?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Honey?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Unsweetened almond…
Sheldon: Good Lord! I made you tea. Just drink it!
Leonard: Sorry, thank you.
Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?
Leonard: I really don't know.
Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? I… What would you be the happiest losing at?
Leonard: I don't want to play a game, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn't the only relationship you're phoning in.
Leonard: It's not that I'd stopped trying, it's just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.
Sheldon: Hmm. Yeah, you're right. It's like when I first encountered the Pythagorean Theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. Yeah, but now I'm just like "eh."
Bernadette and Howard’s house: Halley’s bedroom
Howard: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we need to do is plot out where each squeak is and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
Raj: It looks like a map from Dungeons & Dragons.
Howard: Mm. Except the creature in the crib is a level-nine poop monster.
Raj: Okay, uh, you check for squeaks, and I will mark them down.
Howard: Okay. Space A-3, here we go… It's squeaking. Mark it.
Raj: It's nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter's going to as well.
Howard: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did. None. Next square.
Raj: Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?
Howard: It's a tradition of my people. If I were a rich man…
Raj: "Material Girl" needs to be retired. That is your karaoke song.
Leonard’s car
Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?
Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?
Leonard: I don't want to wait two days for us to work this out.
Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment. I don't see why your divorce should be any different.
Leonard: I would pull this car over and kick you out, but... If Penny dumps me, you're all I got.
SPA: bedroom
Penny: When was the last time you got a massage?
Amy: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just 'cause there was a spider on his pillow and he was trying to get away.
Penny: Leonard stood on me once, too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.
Amy: I don't know the protocol, are you gonna be naked for your massage?
Penny: Well. Yeah.
Amy: Hmm. Then this is probably too many clothes.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: What are you doing here?
Leonard: I came here to apologize.
Penny: Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.
Leonard: Wha... Okay. I don't get it. You said make an effort. Here I am, making an effort.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It's nice to see you.
Amy: Nice to see you, too.
Sheldon: And that's how you make effort look effortless.
Penny: All right. Can you please just go and we'll talk about this tomorrow?
Leonard: I don't understand what you want!
Penny: I'm trying to figure it out!
Sheldon: You know what? If you'd like, I could whip up a quick Relationship Agreement. Well, I'm at a spa, might as well do something relaxing.
Amy: Sheldon, why don't we give them some privacy?
Sheldon: Very well.
Hallway
Sheldon: Hey. Later, we'll check out the minibar? I'll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: Halley’s bedroom
Howard: So what we did was map out the entire room to identify every squeak. Watch. It's easy, once you get the hang of it… Step… Step… Hop onto ottoman.
Raj: Don't do that in socks, I almost broke my neck.
Howard: Then simply sit, spin, stand, stretch... Maybe unloosen your pants… And... Step, grab, tiny pivot, pull, and you're there… Easy, peasy, mac and... You get the idea.
Bernadette: You actually expect me to do this while holding a baby in the dark?
Raj: Hold on... I don't think she was impressed.
Howard: Bigger problems. I felt something pop.
SPA: bar
Sheldon: There's a cucumber in my water.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Do they know it's there? Um, sh-should I tell somebody?
Amy: It's there on purpose. It's refreshing.
Sheldon: Interesting. The world's most boring liquid and the world's most boring vegetable. But you put 'em together, and bleh.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Oh! Good, you're here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmases?
Penny: We're not getting divorced.
Leonard: Listen, we realized, that, uh... We're facing some new challenges as a married couple.
Penny: Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful… And I can't believe I am about to say this… Um...
Leonard: Would you please help us make a Relationship Agreement? But one that's tailored to us. Okay? We don't need a bathroom schedule.
Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance.
Leonard: What do you say?
Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let's get this party of the first part started!
Penny: Do you really think that's funny?
Amy: It's in our agreement. I have to laugh.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new Relationship Agreement is ready to be signed.
Penny: Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video-gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
Leonard: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.
Leonard: Article 10, subsection C: If questioned, Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't. Other unacceptable responses include: "It's nothing," "Don't worry about it," and "I said it's nothing, don't worry about it."
Penny: I think this all looks good.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Oh, well. Great, then. Here. You sign here, date here. And, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in "as is" condition.
Amy: Aw. I remember signing our first Relationship Agreement.
Sheldon: Mm. You seem to be forgetting the "no nostalgia" clause.
Amy: Right, right. Got it.