Raj’s car
Howard: Oh, man. This is really happening. You doin' okay?
Bernadette: Here comes another contraction.
Stuart: Let's pick it up!
Raj: All right, hold on. I'm gonna drive like we do in India… Get out of my way, you syphilitic dogs!
Howard: Stop that! This isn't India.
Raj: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?
Howard: Sorry. I know you were just trying to help. I love you.
Raj: I love you, too. We're good.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.
Amy: Wh... What's wrong?
Sheldon: It's midnight. Happy birthday.
Amy: Sheldon… Okay, you can have this back in the morning.
Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy: I'll put in on the list with peaches and felt… What is this?
Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain… I did Sudoku before they took it so I'd be ripped.
Amy: I love it. Thank you.
Sheldon: And it's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities.
Amy: Is that okay?
Sheldon: I didn't put on my come-hither plaid PJ's for nothing.
Amy: You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery.
Penny: Guys, wake up! Bernadette's having her baby!
Leonard: Come on, we're going to the hospital!
Amy: I guess... I guess we should stop.
Sheldon: Yeah. I'm afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.
Hospital: Bernadette’s room
Althea: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense?
Howard: I'm the father.
Althea: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?
Howard: No idea. Ask him.
Raj: 12 minutes.
Althea: 12 minutes? Why are you here?
Stuart: Aren't we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?
Althea: This is a hospital, not the airport.
Bernadette: I'm sorry. It's our first time.
Althea: It's okay. This little one will be here before you know it. Do we know what we're having?
Howard: No, we're keeping it a surprise.
Althea: Old school. Nice.
Bernadette: Not that old school. He knows.
Raj: You see, I was at the doctor's office, the folder was right there, so I took a peek.
Howard: And talking like this doesn't make it less creepy.
Althea: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
Raj: I'm sorry. That's ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?
Althea: I'm just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.
Stairs
Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?
Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.
Leonard: Damn, I need my inhaler.
Amy: Just don't smoke.
Leonard: No, I went down the stairs too fast.
Stairs / Raj’s car
Penny: Hey.
Raj: Don't come to the hospital. We're headed home.
Penny: Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out?
Bernadette: We showed up too early. We'll keep you posted.
Penny: Okay, well, we'll talk to you guys later. Bye.
Stairs
Penny: She said not to come. It's gonna be a while.
Amy: Well, first deliveries can be slow.
Sheldon: I am starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.
Leonard: I found it, but it's empty.
Penny: Well, it doesn't matter. We're not going to the hospital now.
Leonard: Are you sure? I'd really like to.
Amy: Well, should we, uh, head back up?
Penny: Come on, guys. We're all awake. Why don't we go to a diner or something?
Amy: Oh, uh, I don't know. Sheldon, you don't want to do that, do you?
Sheldon: It doesn't matter what I want. It's your birthday. You decide.
Penny: Oh, my God! It's your birthday! Let's do something fun.
Amy: Uh...
Penny: Well, we could go to a bar.
Amy: Well...
Leonard: Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.
Penny: Oh, of course! The annual birthday booty spectacular!
Sheldon: That's a bit childish, isn't it?
Penny: I'm sorry, and what flavour is your bubble gum cigar?
Sheldon: Grape. I find it the most mild.
Penny: All right, well, you two go have fun.
Leonard: If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.
Penny: Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen
Bernadette: Do you really need to record this?
Raj: You'll be happy I did. Okay, little one, here we are back at home because you weren't quite ready to come out yet. You wanted to make an entrance. I get it… And here's your daddy. When he tries to tell you he used to be cool, you can see he wasn't.
Howard: All right, enough with the camera.
Raj: Well, this is not for me. This is for the baby. Some day she's gonna want to see this.
Howard: I'm sorry. Who's gonna want to see this?
Raj: I... I said “she,” but lots of things are she… Boats and cars, whales. Like, “Thar she blows.”
Stuart: You're doing great.
Bernadette: Raj!
Stuart: Well, okay, I'm gonna sign off now. This next part may contain some adult language.
Bernadette: How could you?!
Howard: We made it this far without knowing, and you ruined it!
Raj: Well, you guys have no idea how hard it is to know something like this and not say it!
Stuart: You told me it was a girl, and I didn't say it.
Bernadette: Raj!
Raj: You were supposed to keep that to yourself.
Stuart: Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Amy: So... Where were we?
Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.
Amy: I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.
Amy: Well, shall we start over?
Sheldon: Very well.
Amy: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I'm not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it's feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.
Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood's a little different now. We-we don't have to rush.
Sheldon: Oh, I know, but Leonard and Penny think we're doing it, and I don't want to disappoint them.
Amy: And the mood continues to change.
Sheldon: No, and also, I don't want to disappoint you. I... You know, come on. It's your birthday. I can soldier through this.
Amy: H-Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.
Sheldon: Intriguing. Is “back on track” a hint that it has something to do with trains?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give...
Amy: It's not about trains!
Sheldon: Oh. Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?
Amy: Stop talking about trains!
Sheldon: Who's killing the mood now?
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: Found the backup inhaler. Want to have sex?
Penny: Well, I didn't until I heard that.
Leonard: Hang on. I'm counting… It's okay.
Penny: Mm.
Raj: Hello! Howard and Bernadette kicked me out because I told them they're having a girl! Oopsy, I did it again.
Penny: Maybe if we're quiet, he'll go away.
Raj: You're gonna have to be quieter than that.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom
Sheldon: Can I look yet?
Amy: One second… All right, you can open your eyes… I thought I'd let Harry Potter make things hotter.
Sheldon: Wowza.
Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.
Sheldon: Oh... A Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous… You naughty girl. You went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.
Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?
Sheldon: Yes, you're in trouble… You went to Wizarding World without me!
Amy: Wait, what just happened?
Sheldon: You know I've been wanting to go.
Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
Amy: Ooh. Happy birthday to me.
Raj: Hello...
Threshold
Amy: Is this about the baby?
Raj: No. People just keep kicking me out everywhere I go.
Amy: Good. Then you're used to this.
Penny: Hey, Bernadette's water broke!
Leonard: Come on! Everyone to the hospital!
Amy: You have got to be kidding me!
Howard’s car
Howard: Just try to relax. We'll be there any minute. Stuart, stop driving like an old man. Speed it up a little.
Stuart: I'm not an old man! I just can't see at night.
Bernadette: Here comes another one. Hey, Squinty, the gas pedal's on the right!
Stuart: All right, hang on. If you see any pedestrians, just call 'em out.
Leonard’s car
Penny: Howard and Bernadette's kid might be born on your birthday. How cool is that?
Amy: Yeah, but I thought this baby was supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.
Raj: This is not how I imagined this day going… I should be with them right now.
Leonard: Well, it is their child.
Raj: I know that. But to be fair, I've spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby. And Howard spent five minutes conceiving it… And I'm being generous.
Sheldon: Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours.
Raj: And-and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.
Amy: I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?
Sheldon: She's right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I'm not going to ruin her birthday. I'll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year… Boop.
Hospital: Bernadette’s room
Howard: Deep breaths, slow breaths.
Bernadette: I'm so thirsty. Give me more ice chips.
Stuart: Sorry. I... thought these were room ice chips. I'll go get some more.
Howard: Uh, Stuart, while you're out there, don't come back.
Stuart: Okay.
Howard: So, what are we gonna name this kid? Now that we know she's a girl, it kind of ruins my plan for Wally Wolowitz.
Bernadette: Could name her after your mom.
Howard: Debbie? No. She hated that name.
Bernadette: Did she have a middle name?
Howard: Melvina.
Bernadette: Let's keep thinking.
Howard: Mm. Ah. It sucks that she's not here.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Hm. She would've been the best grandma.
Bernadette: She did always have candy in her pocket.
Howard: Yeah. I was 20 years old before I figured out Tootsie Rolls weren't naturally warm.
Bernadette: I didn't know her five minutes and she asked, “Are you a Milky Way or a Snickers girl?”
Howard: Thank God you answered right, we wouldn't be here today.
Hospital: waiting room
Leonard: It's hard to believe Howard's having a kid.
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Penny, you're the one who introduced him to Bernie.
Penny: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
Leonard: It's not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we've all come.
Penny: Hmm.
Amy: Hmm.
Stuart: You two got married.
Amy: Sheldon and I are living together.
Sheldon: But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.
Leonard: Penny was a struggling actress when we met, and now she's a successful pharmaceutical rep.
Penny: Okay, you don't have to say “struggling” every time. You can just say “actress.”
Stuart: Howard went to space.
Amy: Bernadette got her doctorate.
Leonard: Sheldon, Howard and I are working with the government on our quantum gyroscope.
Amy: We've all come a long way. There's a lot to be proud of.
Raj: For God's sake, just drive in the knife, why don't you!
Stuart: What's your problem?
Raj: Well, you're all thinking that I'm the only one who hasn't done anything worthwhile.
Sheldon: I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.
Stuart: Raj, if it's any consolation, I'm no better off than I was ten years ago.
Raj: Oh, yay! I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I'm every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store!
Sheldon: Raj! Show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don't say.
Raj: Excuse me.
Leonard: Sorry, Stuart.
Stuart: Hey, I'm in a hospital and I'm not the patient. I'm fine.
Hospital: Bernadette’s room
Howard: Come on, Bernie, breathe. Remember what you learned in birthing class.
Bernadette: I remember thinking, “This is stupid” and I was right!
Howard: Do you want me to get the nurse?
Bernadette: No! If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I'm gonna cross my legs and snap 'em off!
Hospital: waiting room
Leonard: I've come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.
Sheldon: Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard… You know, I didn't swallow it, but Amy said it counted.
Raj: Hey.
Stuart: Hey… Still a loser or did you turn things around while you were gone?
Later
Penny: You know, Raj, honey, you're being too hard on yourself. When I first met you, you couldn't even talk to women. I mean, you couldn't even talk if one was in the room.
Raj: Oh, great, now I can say things like “I can't believe you're breaking up with me. Why are you breaking up with me? Yes, I'll still help you move”
Penny: Anyone else want to try?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, I got something. Raj, not everybody could be a dog owner. Oh, what? Did your doggie break up with you too?
Later
Penny: Hey, I bought M&Ms at the vending machine and two bags came out.
Raj: I bought the first one, it didn't fall.
Penny: Here.
Later
Howard: She's here, the baby's here!
Penny: Oh! Oh.
Raj: Congratulations!
Amy: How's Bernadette?
Howard: Tired, but great. They're both great.
Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?
Howard: We have named her Halley.
Penny: Oh!
Leonard: Oh, like Halley's comet.
Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet, Bernadette said she's not gonna have sex with me for another 75 years.
Amy: That's not a real thing, he's just joking.
Howard: I'm gonna get back. Thank you for staying up, I can't wait for Halley to meet her new aunts and uncles and godfather.
Raj: Really?
Howard: Of course.
Raj: You hear that, Stuart?! I've got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing!
Hospital: nursery
Penny: Oh, look at all the babies!
Sheldon: Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It's fun to think about.
Leonard: I wonder which one's Halley.
Amy: Kind of hard to see the names.
Penny: Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette.
Amy: They all look the same to me.
Raj: Guys, she's my goddaughter, I think I'll know when I see her… That one.
Threshold
Amy: Well, that was quite a day.
Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration… Hankius pankius.
Amy: I was afraid you'd be too tired.
Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line… If that's not foreplay, I don't know what is.
