(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Sheldon: ♪ Six times ten to the eighth atoms - Of a radium in a lead jar - Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium - If the half-life of radium should happen to pass - Three times ten to the eighth atoms - Of a radium in a lead jar...
Penny: Really hope you're almost to zero.
Sheldon: No, see, that's the beauty of half-lives: it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero. It's like "Wheels on the Bus" if the bus had an unknowable number of parts.
Amy: Yeah, we're gonna need more coffee.
Penny: Yep. I'm with you. Leonard, coffee?
Leonard: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
Penny: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Mm, absolutely not, no. The Nobel committee will be making the calls to inform the winners at any minute, so the only drug I need is the endorphins pumping through my brain in anticipation of our victory.
Amy: Well, technically, anticipation wouldn't be mediated by endorphins as much as dopamine, but, you know, you've been up all night, so I'll give you that one.
(Sheldon falls asleep)
Amy: Really? The second he stops talking?
Penny: Well... Should we wake him up?
Leonard: Well, he did say if he fell asleep, we were allowed to slap him awake.
Penny: Oh, boy.
Leonard: Wait a minute. Why do you get to do it?
Penny: 'Cause I called it.
Leonard: Well, you can't just call it. You have to earn it.
Penny: Oh, and you've earned it?
Leonard: No one has earned it more than me… You have your whole life to smack him around. This is my time.
Penny: Fine. Don't miss.
Leonard: It's not a volleyball. I can handle it.
Penny: Oh, wait. Hang on. When you're old, you are gonna want a record of this.
Leonard: Oh, oh, yeah. Do it in slo-mo. I want to see his cheeks ripple.
Penny: Ready... Go.
(Sheldon’s phone rings)
Sheldon: It's happening! Unknown caller. It's got to be them.
Amy: Okay, put it on speaker.
Sheldon: Hello?
Amy: Hi.
Barry: Hello. This is Sweden calling. Is this Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Yeah.
Barry: Congratulations. It is my pleasure to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize in being suckers...!
Sheldon: His Swedish accent was very convincing.
(Sheldon’s phone rings)
Sheldon: This is it! What do you want, Howard?
Howard: We were just calling to see if you'd heard yet.
Sheldon: We haven't.
Amy: But thank you for getting up so early to call. That was very thoughtful.
Bernadette: Oh, please. We have two little kids. We've been up for an hour.
Howard: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
Leonard: No.
Bernadette: Okay, well, call us when you hear.
Penny: All right, now what?
Sheldon: Oh, why don't we play a game to pass the time? Here. Uh, I am thinking of a number. Hint: it's a cube of a cube of a prime.
Leonard: There's an infinite number of possibilities.
Sheldon: What, you got somewhere to be?
(Amy’s phone rings)
Amy: Oh. That's me. Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Fowler… I see… Okay, thank you… We won.
Penny: Congratulations!
Leonard: Oh, my God!
Sheldon: We did it.
Amy: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?
(Leonard slaps Sheldon)
Sheldon: We won the Nobel Prize!
(Stairs)
Sheldon: And how does it feel to be married to a Nobel Prize winner?
Amy: You tell me.
Sheldon: Oh. Amy-centric… What a fun way to look at it.
Amy: I think so.
Sheldon: You would. That makes sense.
(Sheldon’s phone vibres)
Sheldon: Ooh. Aw. It's a congratulations text from my meemaw. Ooh. Oh, and there's one from my mom. And my sister. Oh, and my brother. And my brother's ex-wife. My brother's other ex-wife. Boy, they don't tell you when you win a Nobel it chews up your phone battery.
(Amy phone vibres)
Amy: Oh, that's me. It's CVS. My prescription's ready. Oh, and also my dad. He says congratulations and he loves me.
Sheldon: Nothing about me?
(Sheldon’s phone vibres)
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, it's your dad. I'm good. You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.
Amy: We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.
Sheldon: Oh, please. That's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.
Amy: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put my pants on both legs at a time.
Amy: One day that's gonna end very badly.
(Street)
Reporter 1: Congratulations. How does it feel?
Amy: Okay, w-we're happy to answer your questions, just, um, one at a time, please?
Reporter 2: Dr. Cooper!
Reporter 3: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
Amy: No. Next question.
(Cal-tech: mess)
Raj: Was it your left hand or your right hand?
Leonard: Right. Spit actually flew out of his mouth.
Siebert: Hey, fellas. Can you do me a favour?
Raj: Do we have a choice?
Siebert: Ha-ha! No. Sheldon and Amy are now officially superstars, and the press will be reaching out to their family and friends for comment. So that we're all on the same page, the word we're gonna use to describe them is "quirky." And not quirky. More like quirky.
Howard: So not Mr. and Mrs. Wackadoodle?
Siebert: Ho-ho-ho! You bitter, envious little man.
Amy: Thank you so much.
Siebert: And what do we call that?
Howard, Leonard & Raj: Quirky.
(Cal-tech: hallway)
Reporter: Dr. Cooper, can I get a minute of your time? Hello?
Howard: Hey. Can I help you?
Reporter: Uh, yeah, actually. Um, I had an appointment to interview Dr. Cooper about the Nobel.
Howard: Hang on a second. Sheldon? Sorry, he's not here.
Reporter: Damn. I've got a deadline.
Howard: I don't know if it helps you at all, but I'm his best friend in the whole world.
Reporter: Really?
Howard: And an astronaut. Come on, you can buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you about both.
(Cal-tech: hallway)
Raj: Everyone okay in there?
Amy: Go away!
(Cal-tech: toilets)
Raj: Amy?
Amy: Raj, please, not now.
Raj: Hey, what's wrong?
Amy: My picture's all over the Internet, and I look terrible.
Raj: No. Let me see. Well, that is an unfortunate angle. But who cares? You just won the Nobel. You should be proud of this moment.
Amy: I know I shouldn't care about how I look, and I never thought I did. It-It's stupid and shallow, but I just can't help it. Am I really this frumpy?
Raj: No. No, you are a beautiful woman. By the way, if you're not happy with those pictures, then make some changes. Get a haircut, new clothes, new glasses, big glasses... No glasses… Then you won't be able to see those pictures.
Amy: Sounds expensive.
Raj: Excuse me, i-if I'm not mistaken, the Nobel comes with a substantial cash prize. What were you gonna spend it on?
Amy: Hadn't really thought about it. Sheldon's got his eyes on some new Dockers.
Raj: Come on. Do something for yourself.
Amy: Well, I suppose I could get a haircut.
Raj: And some makeup and a new wardrobe and a little thank you gift for your shopping buddy if we see something he likes. Come on.
Amy: Where are we going?
Raj: Beverly Hills, where the things he likes are.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen)
Howard: Dinner ready?
Bernadette: Not unless you cooked. Why is this article about Sheldon all about you?
Howard: Let me see. Oh, good, they used my NASA picture.
Bernadette: Why does it say that you're his best friend? Leonard's his best friend.
Howard: No. Leonard has always been kind of a monkey butler. Whenever Sheldon got into a scrape, I was his go-to guy.
Bernadette: When did he get into a scrape?
Howard: You're kidding, right? W… Remember when he had a panic attack 'cause his hand got stuck in a jar of olives? I was the one who told him to let go of the olives.
Bernadette: Please, that doesn't make you his best friend.
Howard: You know, that reporter asked me if I could put him in touch with... Amy's best friend.
Bernadette: That's Penny.
Howard: Doesn't have to be.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen)
Sheldon: Hmm. What kind of tea is appropriate for winning a Nobel Prize and now everything is changing and you feel unmoored from reality?
Leonard: I don't know. Earl Grey?
Sheldon: You know, this is something I've wanted my whole life. But I guess I never considered how everything would be different.
Leonard: Buddy, I-I know it all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down.
Sheldon: There's no Earl Grey! You filthy liar!
Raj: Hey, is Penny here?
Sheldon: No. Why?
Raj: I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Wow. Amy, you look amazing.
Amy: Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think?
Sheldon: I like you better the way you were.
Raj: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colours that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes.
Sheldon: I don't care. Put it back.
Amy: I like the way I look.
Sheldon: Well, I don't!
Leonard: My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.
(Threshold)
Leonard: Sheldon, that was really rude.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
Leonard: It's just a haircut and some clothes.
Sheldon: No, it's the last straw! I can't take any more!
(The elevator is fixed)
Penny: Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.
Sheldon: This is a nightmare.
Penny: What's with him?
Leonard: He won a Nobel Prize, and his wife looks amazing.
Penny: Oh. Yeah, got it.
(Ground floor)
Sheldon: How did you get down here?
Penny: The elevator. It's really fast.
Sheldon: I-I need to be alone right now. Don't try to follow me.
Penny: All right. You need a ride?
Sheldon: That'd be great. Thank you.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Amy: I should've seen this coming.
Raj: Oh, stop. You're allowed to get a haircut.
Amy: I know. But I should've done it gradually. You know, like... Maybe 300 tiny haircuts over a ten-year period.
Leonard: Okay, you need to focus on the positive. You won a Nobel Prize. I slapped Sheldon. A lot of dreams came true today.
Amy: You know, you're right. This is a huge day for me, and I'm allowed to enjoy it without worrying how it's going to affect my husband.
Raj: Is it me or did it just get fierce in here?
(Cheese Cake Factory)
Sheldon: All this change is just too much. The reporters, the attention at work, and now even Amy's changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Penny: I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word "change," I take a slug.
Sheldon: Are you gonna be able to drive me home?
Penny: Mm. Not unless you change the subject. Huh. Now I said it. Meh. Hmm. You know, you're the only person who could win the biggest prize in science and still be upset about it.
Sheldon: It's just... All the times I thought about winning, I never thought about how it would ch… Affect my life. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely concerned about your liver.
Penny: Okay. Fine, I'll stop playing. You know, you go on and on about wanting things to stay the same, but you've changed a lot since I met you.
Sheldon: Oh, you are a mean drunk.
Penny: I'm serious. You have a ton of friends, you got married, moved into a new apartment, you wore a baseball hat that one time. Heck, you've had sex almost as many times as I have fingers.
Sheldon: More.
Penny: W...
Sheldon: By this many.
Penny: You dog!
Sheldon: It was the Avengers trailer.
Penny: Oh. Mm-hmm. You know, I've grown, too. I used to be the bartender back there.
Sheldon: That's true. And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke,35% Diet Coke?
Penny: Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least one percent saliva.
Sheldon: I do take your point. You know, you're also married, you have a successful career, you no longer dress like you're trying to attract sailors by the wharf.
Penny: So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
Sheldon: Interesting. So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
Penny: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.
Sheldon: Oh. Hey, look, that's Bernadette.
(On TV)
Bernadette: I can't tell you how many times Dr. Fowler was gonna give up and I would say to her, "Amy, as your best friend, I'm not gonna let you quit."
Penny: Okay, I'm drinking again.
Sheldon: I'll join you. Waitress, uh, 95% Hawaiian Punch, five percent vodka.
(On TV)
Howard: Let me tell you about the time Mr. Nobel Laureate wanted olives...
Bernadette: This is a good one.
Sheldon: You know what, 90/10!
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Amy: You know, I like the way my hair looks. I'm done tiptoeing around him.
Raj: We're all guilty of it.
Amy: But why?
Leonard: 'Cause we were afraid to upset him.
Raj: Which happens anyway.
Amy: Well, that's over.
Leonard: I'm-I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot and-and the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly.
Raj: Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
Leonard: Why would… Yes! To accommodate Sheldon! And what-what about this-this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in, and, for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
Amy: Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. Put it in the closet.
Leonard: You know what, I will.
(DNA art collapses)
Raj: I bet that's the reason.
(Ground floor)
Penny: Hang on. What do you think? Want to give it a try?
Sheldon: Well, you know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So going up and down the stairs was a change, which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But, conversely, I think...
Penny: Get in!
Sheldon: This is wild.
