(Caltech: mess)
Amy: Sheldon, look at this.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. How do I know this isn't one of those joke phones that squirts water in my face?
Amy: Because that's not even a thing. Look.
Sheldon: You got called into human resources?
Amy: I'm sure it's because I insulted Pemberton and Campbell in a room full of Nobel Laureates.
Sheldon: You did do that. It was awkward. People didn't know where to look.
Howard: This is a twist. Usually you're the one getting called into H.R.
Raj: Yeah, now it's Amy. Who knew you were married to such a bad girl.
Sheldon: I suppose the signs were always there. I mean, she did recently go to that rave at the mall.
Amy: It was a Spencer's Gifts.
Sheldon: There was music and a strobe light. If that isn't a rave, then I don't know what one is.
Leonard: You don't know what one is.
Amy: Guys, come on, I think I'm in trouble.
Howard: It's no big deal. I used to get called into H.R. all the time. Ms. Davis is great. Pro tip: if you find strong women sexy, do not say it out loud.
(Sheldon’s phone rings)
Sheldon: Oh! She wants to see me, too. All right, let's get our story straight: This is all your fault.
Raj: Relax. You're probably just gonna get a slap on the wrist.
Howard: Maybe, but do not ask for that, on the wrist or anywhere else.
(Caltech: Janine Davis’s office)
Janine Davis: Thank you both for coming. President Siebert asked that I be a part of this conversation to help us calmly discuss what went wrong and how we can better move forward. We are not here to point fingers, so, Dr. Cooper, please stop that. President Siebert, would you like to start?
Siebert: This is all my fault. I assumed you knew the Nobel Prize was good and we wanted to win it, so that's on me.
Sheldon: Oh, so...
Janine Davis: No. I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that this is a setback and we should adopt a different strategy.
Siebert: Like maybe you two keep your traps shut.
Sheldon: "Traps." That's a fun old word. Where's that been?
Amy: I-I'm sorry. I-I just-- I-I snapped.
Siebert: Oh, you're sorry! It's all better then! Listen up, you have a shot to win a Nobel Prize, and you're blowing it.
Janine Davis: I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that you have a shot to win a Nobel Prize and you're blowing it.
Sheldon: Uh, that's exactly what he said.
Janine Davis: Yes, but I said it in my calming H.R. voice.
Siebert: The science world is a small community. People talk. I'm sure by now everyone knows about your tantrum.
Sheldon: All right, well, what can we do?
Siebert: Nothing. Let me make this absolutely clear for you. You two are done talking. We're cancelling your speaking engagements and your interviews. You're gonna lie low and let us do damage control.
Amy: Well, if that's what you want, that's what we'll do.
Janine Davis: You two winning the Nobel Prize is very important to us, and not just to the university. Dr. Fowler, you would be only the fourth woman to win a Nobel Prize in physics. I don't need to tell you just how inspirational that would be to a generation of young women.
Amy: Uh, yes, of-of course, I know.
Siebert: So, the next words out of your mouth should be on a stage in Stockholm when you're saying... [Speaking Swedish] Which is Swedish for, "Thank you for this honour."
Sheldon: [Speaking Swedish] Which is Swedish for, "I knew that."
Janine Davis: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon: You want me to shut my trap?
Janine Davis: I do.
(Parking)
Raj: Hey, check it out. That looks like the moped you used to have.
Howard: It wasn't a moped. It was a scooter.
Raj: How's that better?
Howard: You do not want to walk into a scooter bar and ask that question.
Raj: Well, does take me back.
Howard: Yeah, the two of us, cruising around town looking for women.
Raj: Looking and looking and looking. Remember that time one looked back and said hi?
Howard: Oh, yeah. We drove away so fast.
Raj: Hey, I forget, why did you sell the scooter?
Howard: I finally got my woman. Then my woman made me sell it.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen)
Amy: So apparently, if we win, I'll be the fourth woman ever to win a Nobel in physics.
Penny: Wow, that's a big deal.
Amy: Yeah, tell me about it. This morning, I blew through my antiperspirant in, like, an hour. Plus, Sheldon's freaking out 'cause we got in trouble.
Leonard: Well, I've got him distracted for a while.
Penny: Doesn't he know how to solve those?
Leonard: Normally, yes, but I switched the stickers around, so... I don't even think it's possible to solve...
Sheldon: Solved it.
Leonard: What? No, you didn't.
Sheldon: Not the cube, but the puzzle of why I couldn't solve the cube. Solution: you switched stickers two, nine, 32, and 51.
Penny: Really? This thing has numbers?
Sheldon: Anything has a number if you assign it a number, friend number four.
Leonard: Top five, not bad.
Sheldon: This is so frustrating. I can't believe the university expects us to just sit back and do nothing.
Penny: Sweetie, you just need to relax. You know what I like to do?
Sheldon: Numb your brain with alcohol and watch a reality show where wealthy people pick fake arguments with each other?
Penny: Hey, don't knock it until you've wasted a couple hundred hours of your life.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but this is, it's hard for me. Usually I self-soothe by doing science, but now science reminds me of the Nobel Prize and the idea that we may not win one, and that makes me angry, which makes me want to self-soothe by doing science, and on and on and on.
Amy: So that's been my today.
Penny: Hey, how about a massage?
Sheldon: No, the only person who touches me is my wife.
Amy: And even I have to let him smell my hand first.
Penny: Okay, well, what about Reiki? It's like massage but without touching.
Sheldon: Then what is it?
Penny: Well, I place my hands near your body and allow the universal energy field to manifest its healing powers. Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but it really works; ask Leonard.
Leonard: It really does.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No. Oh, uh, how about a sensory deprivation tank?
Amy: Oh, that's interesting. It's supposed to be very calming. Floating in a warm pool of liquid in a dark, soundless space.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know how I feel about being deprived of all my senses.
Leonard: What are you talking about? All you ever do is complain about how things smell, feel and sound.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm right here. Why are you shouting?
Amy: What do you say? We could both use a break. Come on, I'll do it with you.
Sheldon: Okay, but not in the same tank. I already shared a uterus with my twin sister. I don't need to go through that again.
(Parking)
Howard: Are your eyes closed?
Raj: Yes. What is it? Show me.
Howard: Okay, open them.
Raj: You bought me a scooter?!
Howard: No, I bought me a scooter!
Raj: Then why did you make me close my eyes?
Howard: I wanted to see the expression on your face when you saw how happy I was.
Raj: Wait, one second. Won't Bernadette be mad when she finds out?
Howard: She's not gonna. I'm keeping it here at the university.
Raj: Ah. My dad kept a secret at work, too, but it was his receptionist. Hey, would you mind if I ride it sometimes?
Howard: Yeah, whenever you want. Check it out. That there, son, is 12 horses of "eye-talian" thunder.
(Tanks room)
Bebe: Have either of you done sensory deprivation before?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Never.
Bebe: Okay, just a heads up. People have different experiences in the tanks. Uh, some people experience perfect calm. Some people sleep. Some people even reported having visions. But if at any time you feel uncomfortable, just press the panic button and say, "Bebe."
Sheldon: That's a stupid word.
Bebe: That's my name.
Penny: What do we push if we feel uncomfortable?
Bebe: All right, are you ready?
Leonard: I'm not saying this is why we came, but can I close the lid on him?
Bebe: No. No.
Amy: Shall we?
Sheldon: One second. Is the pH between 7.2 and 7.8?
Bebe: Yes.
Sheldon: Is the water drained and replaced after each use?
Bebe: Yes.
Sheldon: Is the saline level 30%?
Bebe: Yes.
Sheldon: Does your filtration system use ultraviolet light to kill bacteria?
Bebe: Yes.
Sheldon: I don't need to get in. I'm relaxed already.
(Later)
Sheldon: Bebe.
Bebe: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make sure it worked. Also, I changed my mind. It's fun to say your name. Bebe. Bebe. Bebe. Bebe. Bebe. Bebe. Bebe.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: before the garage)
Bernadette: Hey, what you got there?
Howard: Oh. Just tossing out this old helmet I don't need. I thought you were at the park.
Bernadette: We were. The kids got sleepy.
Howard: Great story. I need to make a phone call.
Bernadette: Howard, why do you look all guilty? Like when I catch you deleting your browser history?
Howard: Never mind.
(Sheldon’s tanks)
Sheldon: Hmm, this is nice. It's sort of like floating in space. But better because my eyeballs haven't frozen. Ooh, colours. It's infinite iterations of the "Nautilus" section of the Mandelbrot set. That's some good stuff.
(Amy’s tanks)
Amy: Wow, this is really dark. There's no difference between my eyes being open or closed. Open, closed. Open, clo… Nope, same thing. Ooh, pretty.
Janine Davis: You winning a Nobel Prize would be an inspiration to all women. All women, Amy, and you're blowing it.
Girl: I was gonna be a scientist, but since you lost, I'm just gonna give makeup tutorials on YouTube.
(Sheldon’s tanks)
Sheldon: Look all the infinite Mandelbrot sets. Here a brot, there a brot, everywhere a Mandelbrot.
(Amy’s tanks)
Woman 1: Thanks for letting us down.
Woman 2: I'm gonna marry a dope and have his dopey children.
Woman 3: You're such a disappointment.
Girl 2: I can't do science.
Woman 4: Way to not go, girl.
Girl: Disappointing.
Girl 2: Math is too hard.
Woman 5: I am woman, hear me bake.
Woman 1: Disappointment.
Woman 6: You're letting us down.
Woman 2: You're letting us down.
All: You're blowing it. Disappointment.
Janine Davis: You're blowing it. Mm, mm, mm.
(Tanks room)
Bebe: Okay, hour's up. Let's see how they're doing.
Leonard: Hey, buddy, how you feeling?
Sheldon: Five more minutes?
Penny: Hey, Amy. Relaxed?
Amy: I'm a failure! I can't do this!
Sheldon: Can someone close her lid? She's kind of harshing my mellow.
(Amy and Sheldon’s apartment)
Sheldon: That tank was amazing. It was like Disneyland, but the rides were in 35 dimensions. And instead of Mickey, I had my picture taken with the concept that time is an illusion.
Amy: That's great. I'm so happy for you.
Sheldon: Uh, yeah, a little constructive criticism: You're saying you're happy, but you're using your mean voice.
Amy: Thanks for pointing that out.
Sheldon: Now you got it.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm freaking out.
Sheldon: Well, is this still about the Nobel Prize?
Amy: Yes, it's about the Nobel Prize!
Sheldon: And back to the mean voice.
Amy: It's just… It's too much pressure. You know? It was bad enough when I was letting us down. But now, if I don't win, it's like I'm letting all women down.
Sheldon: Hang on.
Amy: What-what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm googling what to do when someone's freaking out… Huh. Uh, whoa, it says here that a walk can be calming. Bye.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen)
Howard: Hey. You still mad?
Bernadette: Are you still a jackass?
Howard: Now, now, I asked you first.
Bernadette: I can't believe you were sneaking around my back like a child.
Howard: I just didn't want you to worry.
Bernadette: No, you just didn't want to get caught.
Howard: I'm sorry, but you telling me what I can and can't do is pretty damn emasculating.
Bernadette: Emasculating? You were about to ride bitch on a moped with another man.
Howard: It's a scooter. It can go on some highways.
Bernadette: What if you fell? What if you got hurt? I don't want to raise two small children and one large vegetable.
Howard: I'm sorry, but I need to have something in my life that reminds me I'm still a man.
Bernadette: You do. You have a wife and two children who need their father.
Howard: I know that.
Bernadette: Uh, well, you don't act like it. Why do you want to ride that stupid thing anyway?
Howard: I don't know. Maybe I just miss the freedom I had as a younger man.
Bernadette: What freedom? You lived with your mother… You had a curfew.
Howard: It wasn't a curfew; it was just a time of night where if I got home after that, she would be mad.
Bernadette: You know what? I'm done talking about this. Do whatever you want.
Howard: I will!
Bernadette: I just want you to ask yourself if that tiny, ridiculous scooter is the hill you want to die on.
(Parking)
Bert: Oh, yeah, this feels good.
Raj: Born to ride, buddy.
Howard: Yeah, watch out, ladies.
Bert: All right, well, wish me luck.
Raj: You won't need luck.
Howard: Yeah, only condoms… He sees that car, right?
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Sheldon: I tried to console her, but nothing seemed to work.
Leonard: Okay, when you say you consoled her, what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: I took a walk, I came back, she was still upset, so I came here.
Penny: Well, I don't see what else you could've done.
Sheldon: You know, I know she's unhappy, but I don't know how to help.
Leonard: Maybe you can't. Sometimes people are upset, and all you can do is be there for them.
Sheldon: And while I'm there, what do I do?
Leonard: Nothing.
Sheldon: Oh, so like what you're doing right now to help me.
Leonard: You're up.
Penny: Sheldon, maybe you don't know what to do because Amy's always taking care of you.
Sheldon: Of course. And by calming down, I've taken away the one thing that gives her comfort: caring for me.
Penny: That's what you heard?
Sheldon: Yes. No, I need to have an emotional meltdown so she's forced to focus on me and forget about herself.
Leonard: No. Th-That's not even close to what… Uh, you know, actually, that might be your best move. Yeah.
(Amy and Sheldon’s apartment)
Sheldon: Amy. Thank goodness you're home. I don't know if you can tell, but I am literally losing my mind.
Amy: You are?
Sheldon: Isn't it obvious? I just used "literally" figuratively. Like a crazy person.
Amy: What is going on with you? Are you okay?
Sheldon: No, I am not okay, so I suggest you start focusing on me to the exclusion of your own feelings.
Amy: Sheldon, whatever you're doing, I-I don't have time for it right now.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I know you're upset, but I don't know how to make it better.
Amy: I don't know how you can, either. I mean, I don't know if anybody can. I just… I feel like I'm letting everybody down.
Sheldon: I'm about to hold you. Would you like to smell my hand first?
Amy: I'm fine. Thank you.
Sheldon: ♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty - Little ball of fur - Happy kitty, sleepy kitty - Purr, purr, purr ♪
Amy: That helps.
Sheldon: Shh, I'm singing.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: ♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty - Little ball of fur... ♪
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen)
Bernadette: Raj said you got $800.
Howard: Jerk. On a positive note, the scooter helped Bert meet a girl.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice. What does she do?
Howard: She's an E.R. nurse.
Bernadette: Oh, no.
Howard: No. It was a real meet-cute. She popped his arm back in the socket, and when he came to, they exchanged phone numbers.
Bernadette: Aw.
(Caltech: Janine Davis’s office)
Amy: Ms. Davis?
Janine Davis: Dr. Fowler, how can I help you?
Amy: You were right about this Nobel Prize being bigger than I am, and you were right that, like it or not, I am a role model. But you are wrong to keep me on the sidelines. I am smart, I'm capable, and I can make a difference.
Janine Davis: Well said. You make a strong case.
Amy: Damn right, 'cause I'm a strong woman wearing a strong man's deodorant!
Janine Davis: Well, how about have a seat? Maybe you'd like a glass of water?
Amy: You have anything with a little more kick?
Janine Davis: Seriously, Dr. Fowler, this is human resources.
Amy: You're right. I-I don't know what I was thinking.
Janine Davis: You want ice, you're out of luck.
