Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?
Raj: Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.
Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.
Penny: You know what? That was almost on topic. I'm gonna say, "Good job, Sheldon."
Amy: Wait, She-Hulk's a lawyer?
Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.
Sheldon: Yes, but she's the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she's an affirmative action hire.
Raj: Anyway, Dad's gonna be here in town, so I won't be able to do Christmas dinner this year.
Amy: If you're not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I'm happy to do it. You can even bring your father.
Raj: That would be nice.
Amy: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlor games, goose and figgy pudding...
Sheldon: Ugh! English pudding. Y-You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it… I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.
Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-giving.
Bernadette: I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice.
Leonard: I agree.
Howard: Why not?
Penny: Me, too.
Raj: You guys suck!
Caltech: clean room
Leonard: You know the best part of working in the clean room? No allergies. Check it out… Oh, that-that... That's a lot of oxygen.
Howard: We should get going to Amy's.
Leonard: Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles? And here we are building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of badasses.
Howard: I know. If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty.
Leonard: Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag… Oh, no.
Howard: How the hell did a pigeon get in here?
Leonard: You shut the loading doors, right?
Howard: I thought you did.
Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is?!
Howard: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it, and we just let in a flying crap machine?!
Leonard: What do we do? Should we call someone?
Howard: And tell them that we compromised all the equipment? Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows.
Leonard: Okay, how do we catch it?
Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it'll come to it.
Leonard: It's not a moth!
Howard: Don't yell at me. You're not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.
Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like, "Turn off the lights"?!
Howard: Great, we're turning on each other. That's just what the bird wants us to do!
Amy’s apartment
Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight?
V.M.: 20 hours.
Penny: Oh, that's rough.
V.M.: Not at all. Did you know that when you fly transcontinental without your wife, you don't pray for the plane to crash?
Raj: Can you please talk about anything else?
V.M.: Forgive me. How are you and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, great. Everything's good.
V.M.: I see you got engaged.
Penny: Yes, we did.
V.M.: Let me tell you a story.
Raj: Dad!
V.M.: Sorry. I'm sure you won't grow to hate each other.
Raj: Hey, Leonard. What's up? What? How did that happen? Yeah, okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Sorry. I have to run to the university.
Amy: What's going on?
Raj: There's been a problem with our experiment. A bird got into the clean room.
V.M.: You want me to come?
Raj: Uh, no. You had a long flight. You stay here and relax.
V.M.: "Relax." Easy for you to say. Your mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. 40 years, the woman never cleaned a thing.
Penny: You're just gonna leave him here?
V.M.: "Relax," he says.
Raj: Yup. Bye.
Bernadette’s car
Bernadette:
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pulling on the reins...
Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride...
Bernadette:
Bells are ringing, children singing
All is merry and bright
So hang your stockings and say your prayers
'Cause Santa Claus is coming tonight...
Why'd you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer… I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Maybe you'd like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too… It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let's talk about presents. What did you get Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, we're not exchanging gifts.
Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something.
Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don't like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it… Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will. At the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.
Bernadette: She's just excited about the holidays.
Sheldon: Yes, and she's not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it's time I teach her a lesson.
Bernadette: How?
Sheldon: Hmm. It'd have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she's making me… Oh, I've got it. This is good.
Bernadette: What?
Sheldon: I'm going to buy her a present.
Bernadette: Yeah, you're gonna have to walk me through that.
Sheldon: With gift-giving, there's an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn't have one for me, she'll feel terrible.
Bernadette: Then you're both sad?
Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she'll feel so guilty, she'll never make me celebrate the holidays again.
Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right. So stay on my good side, or I'll get you a little something, too.
Caltech: clean room
Howard: Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna put the food in the bag, and when he lands in the bag to eat it, we close it up.
Leonard: A Slim Jim?
Howard: It's all I could find. It'll work.
Leonard: Sure. If the pigeon's stoned or a trucker.
Howard: Okay, well, what's your plan?
Leonard: I told you my plan. Let's call Building Services and get help.
Howard: And admit that we contaminated the clean room?
Leonard: No, admit that you contaminated the clean room.
Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me?
Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time, and then you try to cover it up.
Howard: Like when?
Leonard: What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali's dog, or almost drove off with that baby?
Howard: Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn't even cry until his mother punched me with her keys.
Leonard: Fine, put the Slim Jim in the garbage bag.
Howard: Well, what if you said it without sounding so condescending?
Leonard: I can try, but your plan has the words "garbage bag" and "Slim Jim" in it!
Raj: Hey, what's going on?
Leonard: Oh. Genius here wants to catch a bird with a garbage bag and a Slim Jim.
Raj: Should have put it in the bag first.
Amy’s apartment
Penny: So, if you don't mind me asking, do you think you might start dating again?
V.M.: It's much too soon for that. Why? Do you know someone?
Penny: No, but if things don't work out with me and Leonard, I'll give you a call… Wait. How much do you talk about Star Trek?
Amy: Okay, let's get this Victorian party started. I've done some research about some traditional parlor games we can play.
Penny: Like what?
Amy: Well, there's a fun one called “Ball of Wool.” You take a ball of wool, and you put it right in the center of the table. Then people sit on opposite sides of the table and try to blow the wool off.
Penny: Sorry. She's taken, too.
Caltech: clean room
Howard: You know what I think your problem is? You're jealous because you and I used to be best friends until Koothrappali came along.
Leonard: And you found somebody you could push around?
Raj: Hey!
Howard: Stay out of this.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: You know, maybe I'm best friends with Raj because he doesn't think he's smarter than me.
Raj: Actually...
Howard: I said, stay out of it!
Leonard: N-No. No, Raj, go ahead, say what you were gonna say.
Raj: All I'm gonna say is you guys need to stop this right now. It-It's bad enough that my parents are fighting, now I have to hear the two of you? And who cares who's smarter? If it's Leonard or me or... You know, it's Christmas, let's say it's Howard.
Howard: Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out.
Raj: No, you're the one who let him in.
Howard: How do you know it wasn't Leonard?
Raj: Come on.
Mall
Bernadette: What about that sweater?
Sheldon: No, it's not good enough. It has to be perfect.
Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.
Sheldon: Hmm. Let's see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature; Chaucer's her favorite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.
Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.
Sheldon: I do… Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
Amy’s apartment
Amy: You won!
Penny: Certainly doesn't feel like it, does it?
V.M.: You know, my wife used to throw theme parties like this all the time.
Penny: Oh, I guess that's where Raj gets it from.
V.M.: Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working.
Penny: Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You g... Y-You got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.
Mall
Santa Claus: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa Claus: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.
Sheldon: There's an argument for that. But I want to make sure.
Elf: Smile.
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho!
Caltech: clean room
Leonard: Okay. On the count of three, I'll shoot the fire extinguisher and get him airborne. Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit. Raj, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out.
Howard: Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?
Leonard: Do you want the fire extinguisher?
Howard: Yeah, I do.
Leonard: Great. Here you go.
Howard: Okay… One, two, three.
Raj: Uh, you have to take the pin out.
Leonard: You miss the blanket now, don't you?
Howard: On three. One, two, three.
Raj: What did you do?
Howard: It was an accident. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Leonard: Relax, it wasn't your fault.
Howard: Uh, maybe it's just stunned.
Raj: Dude, i-it's not breathing.
Howard: Oh, no. I killed it. Oh, not again.
Raj: What do you mean, not again?
Howard: When I was ten, I was playing in my backyard and... Sat on a blue jay… I mean, I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just... Caught on fire… The worst part was it smelled delicious.
Leonard: Uh, guys, I found an article here that says you can do CPR on birds.
Howard: Great! Do it!
Leonard: I'm not doing it. You killed him, you do it.
Raj: I'll do it.
Howard: No. I need to do it. This is on me.
Leonard: Okay. "Mouth over beak and light chest compressions."
Raj: Don't blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit… Anything?
Howard: I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim.
Leonard: Wait, wait, his wing moved!
Howard: Oh, he blinked his eyes! He's alive!
Raj: It's a Christmas miracle!
Howard: I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I'll take it. Come on, little guy, let's get you outside. Get the curtain.
Raj: Someone should really close that loading door.
Later
Raj: Well, that's that. The room's compromised. They'll have to change all the filters, probably shut it down for weeks.
Howard: You were right. Go ahead, call Building Services. Tell them it was my fault.
Leonard: No, we're both to blame. You know, let me take the heat on this one.
Raj: Yeah, just leave me out of it. You know if they come here and see crap everywhere, they're just gonna blame the Indian guy.
Caltech: clean room / Amy’s apartment
Leonard: Hey. I'm sorry, we're still here. Is everything okay?
Penny: It's kind of boring. Although it did get exciting for a minute when Amy inhaled a wool ball. How much longer do you think you'll be?
Leonard: I don't know. There's still a bird in here. We are gonna get in a ton of trouble.
Penny: Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Who even knows you're in there?
Leonard: No, our names are on the sign-in sheet.
Penny: So erase them and walk out.
Leonard: I can't do that.
Howard: Can't do what?
Leonard: She says take our names off the sign-in sheet and leave.
Howard: We can't do that.
Leonard: Yeah.
Leonard’s car
Leonard, Howard and Raj:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey!
Amy’s apartment
Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.
Sheldon: If you like raisins.
Amy: Thank you. And it's figs.
Sheldon: Oh… Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.
Bernadette: You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose.
Howard: It smelled too much like blue jay.
V.M.: Can I help you clean up?
Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you're good.
Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts?
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn't bring any.
Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.
Amy: You got me something?
Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It's from the heart, it's holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.
Amy: Look at you on Santa's lap. That's so sweet.
Sheldon: Of course it is. It's the perfect gift. H-How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?
Amy: No, I love it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now?
Photo: Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you.
Sheldon: And you got me nothing… Christmas is ruined. Let's never speak of it again… Well, this was fun.
Amy: Actually, I did get you something.
Sheldon: But what about our agreement?
Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.
Sheldon: Cookies?
Amy: They're your Meemaw's Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.
Sheldon: They're perfect… It tastes like her hugs.
Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I can't believe this. You're happy, I'm happy… Well, maybe a holiday that's all about giving isn't so... Get your hand out of that box!
Later
Amy: Okay. The next game is called Hot Boiled Beans.
Penny: Of course it is.
Amy: One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying, "Hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it gets cold."
Raj: If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you're all crazy.
