Penny’s apartment
Bernadette: So, what are you working on these days?
Amy: I'm studying one-celled organisms to try and find the neurochemicals that lead to the feeling of shame.
Bernadette: What would a one-celled organism have to be embarrassed about?
Penny: Same as all of us, getting out of a car without underwear.
Bernadette: Speaking of underwear, I have some interesting news...
Penny: Okay, if it's sometimes Howie wears yours, Leonard already told us.
Bernadette: He was being funny. I'm pretty sure… Anyway, I was asked to be a part of a magazine article about the 50 sexiest female scientists in California. Isn't that cool?
Amy: I think it's awful.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is-- "check out the rack on that scientist."
Bernadette: Why can't someone be thought of as both smart and pretty?
Amy: I just don't think a professional woman should have to flaunt her sexuality in order to get ahead.
Penny: Okay, what's the big deal? Look, if it helps me make a sale with a physician, I don't think it hurts to flirt a little. I mean, laugh at their joke, touch their arm, maybe crank up the AC in the car beforehand, you know, to wake up the girls.
Amy: Maybe it's different in the world of sales, but it's already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science.
Bernadette: I was kind of excited about the article, but now you're making me feel bad.
Penny: No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would've become a theoretical physicist… Stop smirking at each other.
Building: entrance
Thank you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation's commerce. It's because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact.
Building: stairs
Oliver Lorvis: I'd shake your hand, but, well, you know. I'm not a delivery man, I-I'm a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.
Sheldon: That's humorous.
Oliver Lorvis: All right.
Sheldon: Yeah, I-I bet you leave your patients in stitches… That was also humorous.
Oliver Lorvis: All right.
Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn't a joke.
Oliver Lorvis: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.
Sheldon: Hmm… You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.
Oliver Lorvis: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.
Building: threshold
Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.
Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: Great timing, food just got here.
Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?
Leonard: No, but you can have mine.
Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.
Leonard: What? Why didn't you say that first?
Sheldon: Why didn't you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.
Building: threshold
Leonard: Can I help you?
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, hi. Uh, does Penny live here?
Leonard: May I ask why?
Oliver Lorvis: Well, uh... I-I met her at my office, she winked at me. And, uh... I-I came hoping to initiate a romantic relationship.
Leonard: Okay, um... Look, I'm pretty sure she didn't wink at you.
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, she did… Seductively, like this… And then she touched my arm for two Mississippis. Like, you know, one Mississippi, two...
Leonard: I got it, I got it. Listen, um... I think there's been a misunderstanding. See, Penny is my fiancée.
Oliver Lorvis: Really? I've never seen her wear an engagement ring.
Raj & Howard: Really?
Oliver Lorvis: So, am I to presume that her flirtation was just a sales technique?
Leonard: I think so.
Oliver Lorvis: When will I learn? It's just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a $2,000 iguana habitat… Which she was always too busy to come over and see… You give these to Penny… You're, you're a lucky man.
Leonard: Thank you. Sorry.
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, uh... You probably don't want her to see this. It's unnecessarily graphic.
Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two, and they're having dinner with us.
Bar
Amy: So, how was work today?
Bernadette: It was fine, but you'll be happy to know they pulled the sexy scientists article.
Amy: What happened?
Bernadette: I don't know. They just cancelled the photo shoot and said they're rethinking it.
Amy: Well, I'm really sorry, but I think it's for the best. You want people focusing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in some magazine.
Bernadette: I guess. It's really not that important… Hey, up here.
Amy: Sorry, we're... We were talking about them. So, look, I-I wasn't going to say anything, but since you seem to be okay with the article being cancelled, I have a little confession. I'm the reason it was pulled.
Bernadette: What? How?
Amy: I sent the editors of the magazine a pretty scathing e-mail.
Bernadette: Amy, what did you say?
Amy: I simply pointed out that they would never consider doing an article ranking male scientists on their sexuality, let alone showing them in various stages of undress.
Bernadette: Because no one wants to see Neil deGrasse Tyson in a wet T-shirt, bent over the hood of a Porsche.
Amy: Well, it doesn't make a difference, because they agreed it was in bad taste, and now you agree, so... Amy saves the day.
Bernadette: No, what happened was you got jealous, so you took away a chance for me to get some publicity.
Amy: But it was bad publicity.
Bernadette: That's for me to decide, not you.
Amy: I disagree. As a female scientist, I think what you do affects all of us.
Bernadette: And I think you don't like people expressing their sexuality because no one wants you to express yours… Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. That was over the line.
Amy: You have a nice night.
Bernadette: Please don't go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong.
Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey.
Oliver Lorvis: Thank you. Neat Star Trek mug. I actually have one of the phasers from the original TV show.
Raj: Oh, cool.
Howard: How'd you get that?
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, easy, Gene Roddenberry needed a vasectomy.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. You've snipped Gene Roddenberry's vas deferens?
Oliver Lorvis: Yes.
Howard: Wow, he really went where no man has gone before.
Oliver Lorvis: I don't like to brag, but, uh, you see, I'm kind of the doctor to the stars' urinary tracts.
All: Wow.
Oliver Lorvis: Uh, you, you want to see James Cameron's kidney stone?
All: Ooh.
Oliver Lorvis: He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator.
Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?
Oliver Lorvis: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn't really get serious until William Shatner's bladder infection.
Sheldon: What'd you get? What'd you get?
Oliver Lorvis: Well, he said it was a tribble. It could be a toupee, but either way, it's pretty cool.
Raj: I-I would love to see your collection.
Oliver Lorvis: Anytime. Uh, I've got some cool stuff. When I first started, I thought it would be a good way to meet women, but, well, you know...
Howard & Raj: Sure. Preach. We know.
Oliver Lorvis: Can I ask you a personal question?
Leonard: Sure.
Oliver Lorvis: Um, I mean, you're a guy like me, so how'd you get a girl like Penny?
Leonard: Oh… Well, you know, just... Being myself, really.
Sheldon: Oh, please! You know, I'll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering… In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection and she was a urethra that could not shake him.
Leonard: I don't know that I'd call myself an infection.
Howard: A gallant man would defend his fiancée for being called a urethra.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject?
Penny: Hi.
Raj: Well, that didn't go your way.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here?
Oliver Lorvis: Uh, well, actually I came to see you.
Penny: Really? Why?
Howard: Ah, that's a good question.
Leonard: Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.
Sheldon: Oh, God. Don't make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.
Penny: Oh, this is very embarrassing. Dr. Lorvis, I am so sorry. I did not mean to lead you on.
Oliver Lorvis: You touched my arm for two Mississippis.
Penny: Oh. That's why you were mumbling "Mississippi."
Leonard: Can we talk in private?
Penny: Please, yes.
Leonard: I'll be right back.
Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?
Building: threshold
Leonard: So, uh, what's the deal? You take off your ring when you go to work?
Penny: What? No! No! I just put it on the other hand and... Turn it around. Keep that hand in my pocket.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Well, what do you mean why? Look, I make more sales if these doctors think I'm single. I did the same kind of thing as a waitress. The real question is, what is he doing in your apartment?
Leonard: Oh, he was upset. So Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage.
Penny: You were okay with that?
Leonard: No. I got upset! And Sheldon made me a beverage, too.
Penny: Okay, he just showed up at my door. Don't you think that's a little weird?
Leonard: A little, but... He's basically harmless. He's actually kind of a nice guy.
Penny: Okay. Whatever, look, my company does not allow me to socialize with doctors outside of work. You got to get rid of him.
Leonard: Why am I the one that has to get rid of him?
Penny: I can't do it! He's my best client!
Leonard: All right, I'll get rid of him but you owe me one.
Raj: Hey, we're going to Oliver's house to see his collection. You want to go with us?
Leonard: Yeah, sure… You owe me.
Oliver Lorvis’s basement
Leonard: Oh, my God!
Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it's in the basement of a urologist's house in Sherman Oaks.
Oliver Lorvis: Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude. This is where I go to get away from... All my other solitude.
Howard: Oh, come on. It's a replica.
Oliver Lorvis: Original.
Howard: Oh, I think I just cheated on my wife.
Raj: The gun from Hellboy?
Oliver Lorvis: Yup.
Raj: How did you get it?
Oliver Lorvis: Bought it at auction.
Raj: Oh, I was hoping for a juicy tidbit about Ron Perlman's testicles.
Mrs. Lorvis: Oliver! I'm going to play bingo!
Oliver Lorvis: Okay, Mother. Have fun.
Howard: Still lives with his mom. Yikes, right?
Raj: Yeah, I'm not quite sure how to respond.
Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong! This-this was my game when I was a kid!
Sheldon: Because it's a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?
Leonard: No, because I liked it.
Sheldon: Well, now, don't get defensive. You're oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.
Oliver Lorvis: So, I've noticed Leonard gets teased a lot about his relationship with Penny.
Sheldon: Yes. If you'd like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.
Oliver Lorvis: So, you think she'll be single soon?
Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you're too late... All the squares have been purchased.
Oliver Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.
Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I'm still upset about that peanut sauce.
Building: entrance
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, could you hold the door?
Amy: Nice flowers.
Oliver Lorvis: Thank you. They're for a girl. Uh, I'm being implacable and relentless.
Building: stairs
Amy: Isn't she lucky?
Oliver Lorvis: She keeps sending me mixed signals. But I-I think we both want the same thing.
Amy: What's that?
Oliver Lorvis: Unconditional love.
Amy: I guess that's all anybody wants.
Oliver Lorvis: I guess so.
Amy: Well, I hope you get it.
Oliver Lorvis: One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Oliver Lorvis’s basement
Leonard: Next game, let's switch helmets.
Sheldon: No, I'd look silly in that helmet.
Building: threshold
Amy: I-I can't take these.
Oliver Lorvis: Well, why not? I mean, you want what I want. And we had two wonderful Mississippis.
Amy: But what about the other girl?
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, right. I'll tell her we should just be friends.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis?
Oliver Lorvis: Penny, we should just be friends… Happy?
Oliver Lorvis’s basement
Raj: You think he bites?
Howard: Stick your hand in there and find out.
Raj: You fooled me with that goat at the petting zoo. You will not fool me again.
Leonard: I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He's been gone a while.
Raj: Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy.
Howard: It's sad how some guys can't cut the apron strings.
Raj: Okay, now you're messing with me.
Leonard: Uh, guys, we're locked in here.
Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better!
Penny’s apartment
Penny: So, you just left them alone playing games in your house?
Oliver Lorvis: Well, they seemed happy and... I thought that would give me time for you and I to get to know each other better. That was before we met.
Amy: We all have a past.
Penny: Doc, you've got to see what you're doing is-is a little creepy.
Oliver Lorvis: You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom.
Penny: Okay, you can't just go chasing after every girl who's nice to you.
Oliver Lorvis: Well, that's not what Sheldon says and he seems to know his way around the ladies.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Guess who's back! Dr. Lorvis! Yeah. You care to join us? What?! You locked them in your basement?!
Oliver Lorvis: Well, they're, they're not locked in. The door just sticks.
Penny: Okay, so how do they unstick it?
Oliver Lorvis: They'd need the key.
Penny: Okay. Nope. That's it. We are gonna go over there right now and you are going to let them out.
Oliver Lorvis: Three Mississippi, four Mississippi...
Penny: Move it!
Building: entrance
Bernadette: Oh, good, you're here. Amy, I am so sorry.
Amy: That has to wait. This weirdo locked the guys up in his basement.
Bernadette: What?!
Oliver Lorvis: She seems nice. Who's she?
Penny: Just walk.
Oliver Lorvis’s basement
Sheldon: You can do this.
Raj: One ladder left!
Leonard: Oh-ho! Yeah!
Raj: Yes!
Leonard: Next level!
Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Better than okay. I am having the game of my life!
Amy: Dr. Lorvis, isn't there something you want to say?
Oliver Lorvis: Yes. I'm very sorry for locking you in my home.
Howard: Yeah, that was very uncool. Get the hammer! Get the hammer!
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: Okay, Leonard, let's go!
Leonard: J-Just hang on!
Oliver Lorvis: Well, while we wait, would you like to see Tobey Maguire's prostate sonogram?
Amy: Sure.
Penny: Yeah.
Oliver Lorvis: Oh, spoiler alert. Uh, he was worried about nothing.
