(Meeting room)
Penny: "And the absence of side effects means that Inflaminex can be taken in conjunction with other medications. It's a brand-new day." Such a good tagline, I forgot, who came up with that?
Karen: You did.
Penny: That's right, I did. Okay, I know it's late and I've been working you guys really hard, so I have a little treat for you.
Man: We get to go home?
Penny: No. You get to stay here and get vitamin B12 shots.
Bernadette: Oh, my God. You guys are still here?
Karen: We're happy to be here. It's a brand-new day.
Bernadette: It's 12:15, it's literally a brand-new day. Everybody go home.
Penny: All right, fine. Go, get out of here. Go on. I think things are going pretty good.
Bernadette: Are you aware that Dave's in the break room crying?
Penny: Yeah, I told him if he's gonna be a crybaby, go to the break room. I just really want to be prepared for this conference.
Bernadette: You're gonna do great.
Penny: You really think so?
Bernadette: Of course; they're scared of you, you're scared of me… The system works.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room)
Bernadette: Okay, Howie, I'm going.
Howard: Have a great conference.
Bernadette: Thanks. Remember, I'm leaving you with two babies. I expect to see two babies when I get back, and they better be the same two babies because I'll know.
Howard: I think I'm capable of babysitting.
Bernadette: Don't call it babysitting; they're your children. It's called parenting.
Howard: What's the difference?
Bernadette: You don't get paid. Now, the emergency contacts are on the fridge and I left money for food on the table.
Howard: Oh, sounds like I do get paid. Don't worry. I got this covered.
Bernadette: I know you do. Quick question, where are the kids right now?
Howard: They're upstairs.
Bernadette: They're at daycare.
Howard: They're at daycare?
Bernadette: They're upstairs!
Howard: Why are you messing with me?!
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment)
Leonard: Wow. That's a lot of luggage for a weekend.
Penny: I know. I didn't know what to wear, so I brought a few options.
Leonard: Was one of the options the option to never come back?
Penny: I just really want this weekend to go well.
Leonard: Doesn't answer my question, but okay.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard: I love you, too. And you're gonna do great. Just relax, stay out of your head, and try to enjoy it.
Penny: Aw. That reminds me of what I said to you the first time we slept together.
Leonard: I still use it. It's a mantra.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness! I caught you before you left.
Penny: I'm just going for the weekend.
Leonard: Just the weekend. You all heard her say it.
Sheldon: So, your convention is in San Diego, right?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. I need you to settle a bet for Amy and me.
Amy: I say, when it's not Comic-Con, no one will be dressed as superheroes.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. And I say fewer people will be dressed as superheroes but still some.
Amy: A crazy person in a cape doesn't count.
Leonard: Mm, why not? It counts at Comic-Con.
Sheldon: Also, if you get a chance to sneak into Hall H, last year, I left my neck pillow under my seat. Uh, third row, second from the aisle.
Penny: I'll see what I can do.
Sheldon: Thank you. At least there will be one superhero in San Diego.
(Comic books shop)
Raj: So, Leonard, what are you gonna do while Penny's away?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe watch a movie with subtitles.
Sheldon: If you're looking for something outside the norm, I have invented a new chess variant where the bishops can also move like knights.
Raj: What do you call that, Bishops Be Crazy?
Sheldon: First of all, it would be "Bishops Are Crazy."
Raj: Not if you're being crazy.
Leonard: Checkmate.
Howard: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Stuart: Where are the kids?
Howard: I thought they were with you.
Stuart: What? No! I...
Howard: I'm kidding. They're at daycare.
Stuart: What about me makes you think my heart can handle that joke?
Howard: Hey. You guys want to come hang out at my place this weekend?
Raj: So we can help you babysit?
Howard: Uh, it's not babysitting. They're my children.
Leonard: They're not our children.
Howard: Oh. Well, for you guys, then, it is babysitting.
Sheldon: No offense, Howard, but I don't want to spend my weekend around your loud, sticky babies.
Howard: You can't insult my kids. I am offended.
Sheldon: N-No, you can't be. I said "no offense." That's like "no backsies" but for offense.
Howard: What do you say? We'll play some board games. It'll be like a party.
Leonard: Three guys playing a board game doesn't sound like much of a party.
Howard: Someone doesn't remember college very well.
(Medical conference)
Penny: As opposed to the leading nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory, our product greatly reduces the risk of ulcers. So it won't burn a hole in your stomach.
Bernadette: And it won't burn a hole in your wallet, either!
Penny: Okay. I got this. Thank you for stopping by. It's a brand-new day!
Bernadette: See? You're doing great.
Penny: Yeah. Mediocre actress, great drug pusher. Who knew?
Danny: Inflaminex, huh? So what can you tell me about it?
Penny: Well, we...
Bernadette: Oh, don't waste your time. His name is Danny. He works for one of the other drug companies.
Danny: Hey, nothing wrong with checking out the competition.
Bernadette: Aw, we don't see you as competition.
Danny: You should. Our anti-inflammatory is hitting the market this year, too.
Penny: Well, ours has zero drug interaction risk.
Danny: Yeah. So does an Altoid.
Bernadette: Speaking of Altoids, why don't you go get one?
Penny: Okay. Let's everyone calm down. If you can't find a pill for that here, then you're not trying hard enough.
Danny: It's all right. I'll go.
Bernadette: I don't know what it is about that guy, but he just gets on my nerves.
Penny: Well, you scared the bad man away. Who's a good girl?
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room)
Howard: They're still asleep. Apparently, when I put someone down for a nap, they sleep hard.
Raj: That's a weird brag, Howard. I'll get it.
Howard: Bernadette thinks I have poor parenting skills.
Leonard: Maybe she's basing that on your poor husbanding skills.
Howard: Who can say? I'm bad at a lot of things.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Leonard: Hey. I didn't think you were coming.
Sheldon: Um, I changed my mind. I thought it'd be fun to spend some time with your children. Where are the little scamps?
Howard: "Scamps"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Tykes. Rug rats. What is the PC term these days?
Leonard: What's going on?
Sheldon: We were in the bookstore, and I found this. Experimenting with Babies: 50 Amazing Science Projects You Can Perform on Your Kid.
Raj: You can't experiment on his kids.
Sheldon: Yeah, you're not their father.
Howard: You can't experiment on my kids.
Sheldon: Fine. Can I at least play a game with them? Perhaps... How Developed is Your Peripheral Vision? Mine's great. I saw that.
(Later)
Amy: You know, these experiments are pretty harmless. There's one where you just put the baby in front of a mirror and you watch them watch themselves.
Raj: That sounds adorable. Let me see.
Sheldon: How come when she talks about experiments on babies, you think it's adorable, but when I do it, everyone gets upset?
Leonard: I think I can speak for all of us. You're just creepy.
Howard: No offense.
Raj: Hey, this one we can do with both Michael and Halley. It's called Grabby Hands.
Leonard: Wasn't that your nickname in high school?
Howard: No, it was Mama's Boy. But the joke was on them, because I love my mom.
Raj: Guys, listen, you secure them both in car seats and slowly spin a toy at the end of the string above them. The younger baby tends to reach with either hand, and the older baby prefers the dominant hand.
Leonard: That is kind of interesting.
Howard: And it's not really experimenting on the kids. It's more like experimenting with the kids.
Amy: Well, I guess if you think about it, it's kind of like playing games with them.
Howard: Okay, you know what, when they wake up, we can try one or two of these.
Sheldon: Yay! I said, "Yay!"
(Medical conference)
Penny: Thank you. It's a brand-new day.
Bernadette: Wow, we got a pretty good crowd here.
Penny: I know. But not as big as that booth. What's going on over there?
Bernadette: Yeah, that's Chantix. Ray Liotta's signing autographs until 2:00.
(Bernadette’s phone ring)
Penny: Hey, I thought we weren't supposed to have our phones in the booth.
Bernadette: That's a "you" rule, not a "me" rule.
Penny: Hey, can I help you?
Doctor: Actually, I'm looking for the bathroom.
Penny: Ah, yes. It's right next to the laxative booth. Clever, right?
Danny: So we meet again.
Penny: Oh, yeah. Uh, Danny, right? How's your launch going?
Danny: Good. Is Dr. Rostenkowski around?
Penny: No, she stepped out for a call, although I wouldn't be surprised if she's in line to meet Ray Liotta.
Danny: Yeah. Something tells me she's not crazy about me.
Penny: Yeah. Something tells me that, too, and it was her.
Danny: Well, it doesn't matter, I was actually hoping to talk to you.
Penny: Really?
Danny: Yeah. You've done a terrific job with Inflaminex. We're always on the lookout for great salespeople. I think we could make you happy.
Penny: Uh, thanks, but I'm pretty happy.
Karen: I could be more happy.
Penny: Tell it to your shrink, Karen.
(Bernadette and Howard are on phone)
Bernadette: Hey, Howie, everything okay?
Howard: Yeah, everything's great. I was just wondering if we had any large barbecue tongs.
Bernadette: Uh, bottom left drawer. Are you guys grilling?
Howard: Nope, just playing games with the kids.
Bernadette: Why do you need tongs?
Howard: Love you, too, bye.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room)
Raj: I-I bet Michael grabs it before Halley.
Leonard: Not a chance.
Amy: Halley's a year older, you know she's gonna get it first.
Raj: I just think he wants it more. Come on. Come on, you got this. You got this, Michael
Leonard: Grab it. Grab it, Halley. I believe in you.
Raj: Oh! That was so close. Just keep on trying.
Leonard: Hey. Hey, y-you guys want to make this more interesting?
Sheldon: By establishing a double-blind protocol so we have a foundation to publish? Yes.
(Medical conference)
Danny: Look, here's my card. Maybe we can get a drink this weekend.
Penny: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty busy. I have to inventory all the giveaways.
Bernadette: Hey, beat it. Shoo. So what did he want?
Penny: Nothing.
Karen: He offered her a job.
Bernadette: No one likes a tattletale, Karen. So, what's up, traitor?
Penny: Dammit, Karen.
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room)
Howard: Okay, you want to engage the babies.
Sheldon: The subjects.
Howard: The babies.
Sheldon: Fine. The babies. Baby-A and Baby-B.
Howard: Engage them for a minute and take note of their reactions.
Leonard: There's something familiar about all this.
Howard: Okay, go.
Sheldon: Hello, baby. Are you having a pleasant day?
Leonard: Oh, my G… This is my entire childhood.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, you're tainting my data.
Leonard: Uh, it's like word for word.
Sheldon: How much time is left?
Howard: 35 seconds.
Sheldon: Oh really? He's not reacting at all.
Raj: Sheldon, he's a baby. That's not how you talk to him, okay? J-Just watch. Hey. Halley. Who's your favourite uncle?
Halley: Unka Koo.
Sheldon: I got a dud, let's switch.
Amy: Keep trying. It's for science.
Leonard: Is that all I was to her? Just an experiment?
Sheldon: Michael. Michael, you're making me look bad. I-Interact with me. He grabbed my finger. Oh, he's smiling. I'm doing it.
Howard: That's time.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Can we do one more?
Howard: I think these guys need to get some food.
Sheldon: By pushing a lever at the end of an obstacle course that we design?
Howard: No, by opening the door to a hangar and letting the airplane fly in.
Amy: Although, Sheldon, maybe it could be an experiment.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting we colour-code their food so we can examine their diapers later?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: These diapers are gonna be full of data.
Raj: I never thought I would see Sheldon enjoying himself around babies so much.
Amy: Yeah, how about that?
Raj: So he just happened to stumble upon a book about experimenting with them the same day we were hanging out with Howard's kids?
Amy: Yep, don't overthink it.
Leonard: Oh, my God. At sleepaway camp my cabin was called "Control Group."
(Hotel)
Bernadette: I can't believe you took his business card.
Penny: I can't believe we're still talking about this. He handed it to me. What was I supposed to do?
Bernadette: Hand it back to him and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.
Penny: You are not serious.
Bernadette: Serious as the hepatitis their cholesterol medication gave thousands of people.
Penny: Did it?
Bernadette: Maybe. You're not really considering this, are you?
Penny: I don't know. It's kinda flattering.
Bernadette: Please, he's just using you to get to me.
Penny: Or he's trying to get to me because I'm really good at my job.
Bernadette: Don't be so naive. They're our number one competitor. They have a rival drug coming out with a name I wish we thought of… Forsootha. It's got "soothe" right in it. How did we miss that?
Penny: You know, our brand recognition is three times higher than theirs. And I did that with a stupid product name and no assistant.
Bernadette: You only have this job because I gave it to you. You know who else was begging you to head up their sales team? Nobody.
Penny: Well, you know who's begging me now? Danny.
Bernadette: I can't believe this is how you thank me.
Penny: I thanked you by thanking you. And I sent you that fancy box of pears.
Bernadette: What am I supposed to do with 20 pears? Have a pear party?
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room)
Raj: Ooh, a juicy pear… Where are the kids?
Amy: Oh, Sheldon's helping Howard give them a bath.
Raj: Hmm. So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?
Amy: I slept with him; I married him. You want to be against me?
Sheldon: Oh, you were right, Amy. There were so many valuable experiments to perform on them during bath time.
Amy: You don't say.
Sheldon: I do. I tested their object permanence with a rubber duck, and we took a run at Archimede'' water displacement, but that went right over their heads.
Amy: Well, I'm glad you had a good day.
Sheldon: I did. It's so funny, we did all these experiments on them and they didn't even notice.
Amy: I know, I was worried it would be obvious, but it wasn't… I guess we should go and let Howard get them ready for bed.
Sheldon: Yeah. Do you think he'd let us come back and do some more?
Amy: Maybe we could take them to the park.
Sheldon: Smart. There'll be more babies. It's a bigger sample size.
Raj: Where did Leonard go?
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: bathroom)
Leonard: Just tell me the truth, Mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Beverly (on phone): Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments.
Leonard: So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?
Beverly (on phone): No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.
Leonard: Really?
Beverly (on phone): Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress. I know I'm not the warmest of parents, but it was time we spent together, and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.
Leonard: When did you stop?
Beverly (on phone): Oh, I can't tell you, the experiment isn't over.
(Hotel: bar)
Danny: Zangen's a fine company. They got a couple of good drugs, but we control 60% of the market. Hell, commissions on just our fungal creams will put you in a new Mercedes.
Penny: Danny. Danny, look at me. Does this face sell fungal creams? No. This face is cholesterol drugs and above.
Danny: Playing hard to get, huh?
Penny: No one's ever accused me of that before.
Danny: Look, why don't I just give you a number and see what you think?
Penny: Ooh, are-are you gonna write it on a napkin and slide it over to me?
Danny: No, I was just gonna say it.
Penny: Aw.
Danny: Do you want me to write it on a napkin and slide it over to you?
Penny: Yah.
Danny: You got it.
Bernadette: Danny, you rat bastard.
Danny: What? I'm just making your friend an offer.
Penny: Yeah, he's writing it on a napkin like in the movies.
Bernadette: That's not an offer. Do you know how amazing this girl is?
Penny: Aw. You think I'm amazing?
Bernadette: Stay out of this. I'm serious.. Not only is she a helluva salesperson, she's the hardest worker I've ever seen.
Danny: I know, that's why I'm trying to steal her from you.
Bernadette: Well, then you're gonna have to do a lot better than this, because I promise you, I'm not gonna let her go without a fight.
Penny: You do not want that, she's a biter.
Danny: Just think about it.
Penny: You know, I don't have to. Thanks, but I'm happy where I am. Let's go… Can I just see what he wrote on the napkin?
Bernadette: What napkin?
(Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bedroom)
Sheldon: You know, spending time with Michael and Halley today really made me think about our future children.
Amy: Huh, what an interesting and completely unforeseen development. What are you thinking?
Sheldon: Well, I just can't decide. Either five sets of triplets or three sets of quintuplets. You know what? It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy. And divisible by three.
Amy: That's a lot of babies, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, only for humans. For frogs, it's just a drop in the bucket.
Amy: Well, I'm sorry I'm not a frog.
Sheldon: Oh, don't feel bad, Amy. You're good enough for me.
