(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Zach: Thank you, guys, again for agreeing to do this.
Marissa: Yeah, it means so much to us.
Leonard: Ah, we're happy we can help.
Penny: Yeah, and we don't find it weird at all.
Marissa: It's a little weird for us, too. I mean, instead of our baby looking like Zack, it's gonna look like Leonard.
Zach: Or Penny if it's a girl.
Penny: No, no, it's not gonna look... Sure.
Marissa: But I promise, we're gonna be really good parents.
Penny: Oh, we know you will. So, what is the next step?
Leonard: Yeah.
Zach: Well, Leonard, we were hoping you'd go in on Monday.
Leonard: Okay.
Marissa: And they say, for the best results, between now and then, you shouldn't have sex.
Zach: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Leonard: Five days? My record is 24 years.
Penny: Uh, I think that also means no flying solo.
Leonard: Oh. Then my record is 14 years.
Marissa: And, well, we're really hoping for a son. So just, like, keep that in mind when you're in there.
Zach: Yeah, just think, "Little boys, little boys."
Penny: Still just totally not weird.
(Sheldon comes in)
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Sheldon. We're kind of in the middle of something.
Sheldon: Oh, I won't be a moment. I just need to grab a book off a high shelf, which I can do because I am both tall and smart.
Amy: Sheldon, come home! They don't want to have your baby!
Sheldon: I don't know what you're talking about. Oh-oh, dear, I think I got something in my eye. My piercing, blue eye.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Fine. I've also never had a cavity and I don't have asthma...
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen)
Raj: So, this week would have been my wedding if Anu and I hadn't decided to slow things down.
Howard: Oh, yeah, I would have forgotten, except for those nonrefundable airline tickets to India I bought.
Raj: I'm sorry.
Howard: No, no. What's $3,000 between friends? Yeah, I probably would've just thrown it away on health care for my children.
Raj: Uh, if you still want to go, you can go to India and help my dad eat all the nonrefundable sushi.
Howard: Indian sushi? I need a change of underwear just thinking about that.
Raj: I really think we made the right decision.
Howard: Agreed, although I did have a pretty awesome bachelor party planned for this weekend.
Raj: Really? What was it?
Howard: Well, I used my NASA connections to get us four seats on that plane that lets you experience weightlessness.
Raj: The Vomit Comet. That is so cool. I've always wanted to experience weightlessness. The closest I ever came was that time I accidentally set my scale to kilograms.
Howard: I know, it would've been fun, but, hey, the next time you decide to marry a woman you barely know.
Raj: We could still go. You know, make it a guys' weekend.
Howard: Yeah. All right, let's do it.
Raj: Great. It'll be like the good old days.
Howard: You mean when we were all sad, desperate and horribly alone?
Raj: I remember it more fondly.
(Caltech: mess)
Sheldon: Leonard, if you had food on your face, would you want me to tell you?
Leonard: Where? Did I get it?
Sheldon: Oh, no, not now; it was last week. I didn't know whether or not to tell you, but everyone was staring. For the record, it was right there. And it was Nutella.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: You looked like a hazelnut Hitler.
Howard: Hey, who wants to hear some exciting news?
Leonard: Oh, what's up?
Howard: This weekend, I got us four seats on the Vomit Comet.
Sheldon: Oh, you lost me at "vomit," you lost me again at "comet," and to be honest, I was on the fence at "us."
Leonard: Yeah, I can't go either. Penny's dad is visiting from Nebraska, and I haven't seen him for a while.
Raj: Oh, that's nice you guys get along. I forget, Howard, does your father-in-law still hate you?
Howard: He doesn't hate me. He's just disappointed that I'm not any other man on the planet.
Sheldon: That's how I feel about Ben Affleck as Batman.
Howard: Well, these two are out. There goes our guys' weekend.
Raj: Okay, so let's make it a couples' weekend. I'll bring Anu, you bring Bernadette.
Howard: I'm not sure Bernie would like it. Maybe I'll invite Stuart or Bert.
Sheldon: Oh, go with Bert! He's huge. It'd be fun to watch him float around. Like that time the Underdog balloon got away at the Macy's Parade.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen)
Penny: Hey. What are those?
Leonard: Oh, vitamins. Zack wants me to take them to increase my virility.
Penny: Zack used the word "virility"?
Leonard: He may have said "wiener power."
Penny: Okay, that's my dad. Now, remember, do not bring up any baby stuff, all right? Not me not wanting one, not you having one with Zack.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: And if he brings it up, change the subject to literally anything else.
Leonard: I got it.
Penny: But not the Cornhuskers. Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.
Leonard: Is that a sports team?
Penny: Never mind, you're good.
(Penny opens the door)
Penny: Daddy! Hi.
Wyatt: Hey, Slugger.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: Hey, Wyatt.
Wyatt: Leonard. Hey, that's a hell of a handshake.
Leonard: Ah, well, you know, I've been taking vitamins.
Penny: Dad, uh, come on in, sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a beer?
Wyatt: Sure, if you're having one.
Penny: Okay.
Wyatt: And why wouldn't you, since you're not pregnant?
Penny: Um... Leonard wants to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend Zack.
Leonard: How 'bout those Cornhuskers?
(Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen)
Howard: Hey, would you mind if Raj and I went away this weekend?
Bernadette: Well, it is important for you two to keep the spark alive.
Howard: No, just the bachelor party I had planned. I thought we'd do it anyway.
Bernadette: Oh, so a guys' weekend?
Howard: Kinda. I mean, Sheldon and Leonard couldn't make it, so Raj invited Anu and I asked Stuart.
Bernadette: Wait, you invited Stuart before me?
Howard: Actually, I invited Bert before Stuart, but I don't know why I just told you that.
Bernadette: Why didn't you invite me?
Howard: Because I know you. You don't want to float weightless in an airplane.
Bernadette: What are you talking about? I love doing crazy stuff like that.
Howard: Bernie, you got sick from the teacup ride at Disneyland.
Bernadette: Lots of people do.
Howard: We were still in line.
Bernadette: So you don't want me to go?
Howard: No, I want you to go if you're gonna have fun. I don't want you to go if you're gonna be miserable and ruin it for everyone. Which is a long way of saying I want you to go!
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen)
Penny: I think this is going pretty good, huh?
Leonard: Maybe for you. You threw me under the bus.
Penny: Oh, I'm sorry. I panicked. He was judging me.
Leonard: Well, yeah, now he's judging me.
Penny: I know. It worked.
Wyatt: You two might want to talk louder or quieter.
Penny: In high school, he could hear me open a can of beer in my closet under a blanket.
Wyatt: So let me get this straight, Leonard. She doesn't want to have your baby, but her dumbbell ex-boyfriend does.
Leonard: Well, I… No, I wouldn't say it like that.
Wyatt: How would you say it?
Leonard: Uh, same words, just less angry.
Wyatt: Well, I don't know about Los Angeles, but in Nebraska, that's kind of strange.
Penny: It's strange here, too, and we have a bakery for dogs.
Wyatt: And you're okay with this?
Penny: I support my husband.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: But, you know, if you think differently, you should feel free to say so. You know, just like, "Ah!" Make a scene.
Leonard: Okay, look, they can't have kids of their own, and they like that I'm smart, and they want that for their child.
Wyatt: No, I get it.
Penny: You do?
Wyatt: Sure. Back on the farm, we had a prize stallion. We didn't let that just go to waste; we put him out to stud.
Penny: No, no, this is... This is a little different than that...
Leonard: No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Uh, you were comparing me to a prize stud. Go on.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: bedroom)
Penny: You have fun with your new best buddy?
Leonard: Hey, it's your fault your dad likes me. You dated idiots your whole life.
Penny: Well, he was right about one thing. I am married to a stud.
Leonard: Mm. Really?
Penny: Yeah, I felt so bad about selling you out, I thought I would maybe make it up to you.
Leonard: Wait, wait. I can't. I mean, I want to, but I'm not supposed to for the next three days.
Penny: Oh. That's right. I forgot. All right, well, guess I'll just read a little and then… I don't know… Go to sleep.
Leonard: Really? That's what you're sleeping in?
Penny: Oh, you want me to take it off?
Leonard: No.
Penny: All right. Well, then pipe down and let me read my comic book.
Leonard: Penny, I-I know what you're doing. Just please stop.
Penny: Ooh, listen to this. "Bam. Pow. Take that, Batman."
(Howard’s car)
Raj: Thanks again for doing this, guys.
Howard: Of course.
Bernadette: So excited.
Anu: I'm glad you came. Howard made it sound like this wasn't your kind of thing.
Bernadette: He did say that, but here I am. So what does he know?
Howard: I'm sorry. I just... Didn't think you'd enjoy plummeting to the Earth at 400 miles an hour.
Bernadette: I love going fast, unlike Grandma here, poking along at 70 miles an hour. Am I right?
Anu: I've always wanted to do this. I'm an adrenaline junkie. Roller coasters, snowboarding, dating men who bathe with their dogs.
Raj: It was during a drought.
Bernadette: I'm a thrill-seeker, too. I've had to pull back since I became a mom, but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
Howard: And I'm married to her, which is quite the ride.
(Amy and Sheldon’s apartment)
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: Yeah.
Sheldon: There's something out here.
Amy: Just trap it under a cup, and I'll be there in a minute.
Sheldon: I'll try, but it's Leonard.
Amy: What? Well, what is he doing here?
Sheldon: I told you, if we left pizza on the counter, we'd attract something.
Leonard: Oh, hey, guys. Sorry. I used my key. I just needed a place to crash.
Amy: Is everything okay?
Leonard: Yeah, I... Had to get out of the apartment. My wife kept trying to have sex with me.
Sheldon: Been there.
Amy: Why are you trying to avoid having sex?
Sheldon: Well, we just did it three weeks ago.
Amy: I was talking to Leonard!
Leonard: Well, I-I have to go to the clinic for Zack and Marissa on Monday, and I'm supposed to save myself until then.
Amy: Sounds like maybe Penny's not totally on board with that plan.
Leonard: Well, she said she was. But she also said I looked dope. Honestly, I don't even think I looked fly.
Sheldon: So you're willing to go through with this, even though she clearly has reservations?
Leonard: If she has a problem, she should say something.
Sheldon: She tried to seduce you. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.
Leonard: Penny doesn't want to have kids. I respect that. But this is my chance to leave a part of me behind.
Amy: Okay, but this isn't gonna make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.
Sheldon: Although, someday, if that kid wants to know why he's short, nearsighted, and asthmatic... He may hunt you down.
(NASA)
Officer: Are you guys ready for the most intense experience of your life?
Raj: Yes.
Anu: Definitely.
Howard: Not to brag, but I'm an astronaut, so I've been weightless before. Can be pretty scary.
Bernadette: Please, I'm, like, 90 pounds. I'm weightless every time I hold more than three balloons.
Officer: Okay, I just need you guys to sign these waivers, and then you can go get changed.
Bernadette: There are a lot of pages here. Is this a waiver or a screenplay you've been working on?
Howard: I'm sure it's just boilerplate.
Officer: Absolutely. It's to protect us in case of injury.
Bernadette: It says, "Or death." Which is awesome.
Howard: Done.
Raj: Where are the changing rooms?
Officer: Dressing rooms are in the back.
Raj: No peeking.
Anu: Here you go. Okay. Should we go get changed?
Bernadette: Yeah. Hang on a second.
Anu: What?
Bernadette: Just… I have two babies at home. What am I doing?
Anu: If you don't want to do this, then why'd you come?
Bernadette: To prove to Howard that he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Anu: Looks like he does.
Bernadette: Unless I do it and then he doesn't.
Anu: Why not just be honest?
Bernadette: You're right. I should be honest. You owe me $3,000 for those plane tickets to India!
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Wyatt: Hey. That was a long run.
Penny: Yeah. Well, I was in the zone. You know, and then in a diner and then in a massage chair at the mall where I fell asleep.
Wyatt: Are you avoiding me?
Penny: Well, I took a nap next to Hot Dog on a Stick. What do you think?
Wyatt: I think you're mad at me and Leonard, but maybe... You're really mad at yourself.
Penny: Why would I be mad at myself?
Wyatt: 'Cause you regret this "no baby" plan of yours.
Penny: You know, it's pretty crappy of you to make me feel bad about this.
Wyatt: I'm not trying to make you feel bad. But... Do you?
Penny: Yes. I feel like I'm letting everybody down. Hate disappointing Leonard, but I really hate disappointing you.
Wyatt: Oh, Slugger, you could never disappoint me… Okay, your high school years were a little rough.
Penny: Yeah. And I'm sorry about that.
Wyatt: There was you sneaking out at night and your boyfriends sneaking out in the morning.
Penny: I said sorry.
Wyatt: That time you got drunk and stole a horse.
Penny: Yeah. I was there. I remember. Parts of it.
Wyatt: But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happened to me.
Penny: What about Randall and Lisa?
Wyatt: They're okay. I just don't want you to miss out.
Penny: I know.
Wyatt: But if this is really what you want… Or don't want… I'm on your side.
Penny: Thanks.
(Leonard comes in)
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Uh, Wyatt, we need to talk.
Wyatt: Sure. What's up?
Leonard: I want you to back off. You know? I-If Penny and I don't have kids, that's between us. So you need to stay out of it.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, it's okay. We talked. We're good.
Leonard: Oh. Okay, you could've stopped me sooner.
Penny: Could've let you go longer.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Wyatt: You did great, Leonard. Very forceful.
Leonard: Yeah? I-I-I felt like my voice was a little shaky there… Um... Hey, I decided to not go through with this Zack and Marissa thing.
Penny: Really? But you were so excited about it.
Leonard: I know. But, um... I think I was just fooling myself. I-I would be heartbroken if I had a kid out there and I wasn't his dad.
Penny: I know you would.
Leonard: Yeah. So, that thing you wanted to do last night, I'm available.
Wyatt: I got real good hearing there, stud.
(NASA)
Officer: All right, everyone's suited up. Let's head out to the tarmac!
Bernadette: Actually, one second. Howie, I don't think I should do this.
Howard: Really? Well, I did not see that coming.
Bernadette: Just… We have kids, and it's not smart to put us both in danger.
Raj: That's a good point. When I was little, my parents never flew together. We thought it was because they loved us, but it turns out they hated each other.
Bernadette: See? I just think I shouldn't go.
Officer: Actually, this is much safer than driving a car.
Bernadette: Stay out of it, flyboy!
Howard: You're right. But I've done this before. And since you really, really want to go, I'll stay here.
Bernadette: Oh. Great.
Howard: Unless you don't want to because I was right and I do know you.
Bernadette: Well, if you really know me, then you know how far I'll go to prove a point.
Howard: Apparently, 34,000 feet that way, then straight back down, up and down, over and over again until you throw up food you didn't even eat.
Anu: They are definitely your weirdest friends.
Raj: If only that were true.
(Plane)
Bernadette: I hate this so much! Why am I doing this?!
Anu: To prove a stupid point to your husband!
Bernadette: Oh, right. Worth it.
(Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room)
Leonard: Hey, Zack. Um, look, I-I know this is gonna be disappointing, but, um, I-I can't do this… No, no, no, no. I-I, I know how. I just can't… But, hey, look, i-if you like, I-I know someone who might be interested.
(Amy and Sheldon’s apartment)
Amy: No! Absolutely not!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, my wife says I'm not allowed.
