Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Raj: But why do they still call Batman using the Bat-Signal? Wouldn't it just be, like, easier to text him?
Howard: The Bat-Signal isn't just to alert Batman, it's also to strike fear in the hearts of his enemies and let them know he's coming.
Leonard: Sort of like Sheldon's knock.
Sheldon: Comparing me to Batman? I'll take it.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: kitchen
Amy: If we don't do anything, how long do you think they'll talk about Batman?
Penny: Well, I've know them for 11 years, so... 11 years.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Leonard: I believe they do text him. The-the Bat-Signal is linked to his phone via Bluetooth.
Howard: Has that been in the comics?
Leonard: No, it's just what I believe.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: All right, I'm putting a stop to this.
Bernadette: If you knew how, why'd you wait 11 years?
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Penny: Hey, guys, guess what? Today at work, I found out I am going to meet Bill Gates.
Howard: Sorry, Leonard, you and Penny had a good run.
Penny: I'm not leaving him for Bill Gates.
Leonard: You sure? I-I bet his Internet's really fast.
Amy: How did this happen?
Penny: Well, his foundation is looking to partner with a pharmaceutical company to help develop affordable vaccines so they asked me to show him around.
Bernadette: That's great. When's he coming?
Penny: Uh, he gets in on Sunday, and Monday morning, I'm gonna give him a tour of the labs and offices.
Sheldon: Oh. He gets in on Sunday, April first? Nice try, Penny.
Penny: What're you talking about?
Sheldon: April Fools' Day. This is another one of your classic pranks you try to pull on me every year.
Penny: Literally never pulled a prank on you.
Sheldon: Oh, really? What about last year, when you sent me that e-mail with the photo attached, but you didn't attach a photo.
Penny: That was a mistake.
Sheldon: Messing with me? Yes, it was. And this year, I am not falling for it.
Penny: Sheldon, I swear...
Leonard: No... What are you doing?
Penny: Oh, you're right. He's not coming. April fools.
Sheldon: You know what they say, fool me "N" times, where "N" equals the amount of times you've already fooled me, shame on you. Fool me "N" plus one times, shame on me.
Later
Leonard: So you're gonna spend a day with Bill Gates. I'm a little jealous.
Penny: Well, I'm a little nervous. You know, if I do a good job, I'm hoping they'll consider me for a PR position that's opening up.
Leonard: Well, if you're nervous, I-I know a lot about him. I can fill you in or maybe come along, whatever.
Penny: I think I'll be okay.
Leonard: Well, I'm-I'm just saying, what are you gonna do when he wants to talk about high-level language interpreters for microcomputers?
Penny: Leonard, what are high-level language interpreters for microcomputers?
Leonard: A way of programming computers using words and commands instead of binary code.
Penny: Oh. That's actually kind of interesting. Tell me more.
Leonard: Oh, well...
Penny: That, I'll do that.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. I didn't even see it coming.
Penny: Yeah, well... You never do.
Leonard: Well, i-it's just, he's an idol of mine and I would love the chance to hang out with him.
Penny: Look, I know you want to meet him, but I can't turn this into a social thing, okay? This is my job. I really need it to go well.
Leonard: I get it, I get it. You're right. Actually, I've-I've already met him once before. He gave a talk at Princeton and my mom took me.
Penny: Oh, really? Was he nice?
Leonard: He's super nice. I-I got pretty emotional and started crying and... He didn't make fun of me or anything.
Penny: Well, you were a kid.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Bernadette: Bye, my babies, I love you.
Stuart: We love you, too, Mommy.
Bernadette: Yeah, don't do that.
Amy: Bernadette? Hi. Where you off to?
Stuart: El parque.
Amy: El parque?
Stuart: I'm learning Spanish so I can talk to the other nannies.
Amy: How's that going?
Stuart: Bueno.
Amy: Good?
Stuart: Oh... No bueno.
Bernadette: Thanks for coming over.
Amy: No problem.
Bernadette: Can I get you anything? Juice box? 'Naners?
Amy: 'Naners?
Bernadette: Sorry. Mom brain. I think I've forgot how to talk to grown-ups. I meant Ba-naners.
Amy: You know what, I'm good.
Bernadette: Okay.
Amy: So, what are we watching?
Bernadette: Bob the Builder. I'll catch you up. That one's Bob. He's a builder.
Amy: Isn't this a kids show?
Bernadette: It's what we watch in this house. Bob the Builder, Dinosaur Train, and Peppa Pig, which is both funny and meaningful.
Amy: You want to take a break and maybe get something to eat?
Bernadette: Sure.
Amy: Why does it not feel like we're going?
Bernadette: Hang on, I-I just want to see if Bob can fix it… Yes, he can!
Laundry room
Penny: Oh, hey.
Sheldon: I folded your laundry for you. You're welcome.
Penny: Uh, that's not mine.
Sheldon: You're saying that these aren't yours?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: So you're saying that I'm touching a stranger's underpants?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.
Penny: Wait, why are you being so weird?
Sheldon: It occurred to me that perhaps you were telling the truth about Bill Gates and it wasn't just part of an elaborate prank.
Penny: What would the prank part even be?
Sheldon: I show up to meet Bill Gates over your "objections," but it's not Bill Gates at all, no. It's one of those look-alikes that you hire for a party. And then when I go around showing everybody the balloon animal that "Bill Gates" made for me, I'll look like an idiot.
Penny: Have you been eating laundry detergent?
Sheldon: I just need you to tell me the truth. This is driving me crazy.
Penny: Sheldon, he is really coming.
Sheldon: Is he?
Penny: He is.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, now I don't know what to believe!
Restaurant
Bernadette: Thanks for getting me out of the house. I feel like my brain is turning to mush.
Amy: Happy to help.
Bernadette: Did I show you the video of the kids sitting?
Amy: Yes, you texted it to me at 3:00 a.m. Thought someone was either in jail or dead.
Bernadette: I'm sorry.
Amy: No, no, i-it gave me something to watch while I tried to go back to sleep.
Bernadette: You know what? I don't want to be one of those moms who can only talk about her kids.
Amy: Okay, well, I'm reading a pretty good book. It's the untold story of female artists during the Renaissance.
Bernadette: Oh, I'm in the middle of a book, too. It's three pages long and floats in the bath.
Amy: All right, we can talk about something else.
Bernadette: It also quacks when you squeeze it. You should've seen Michael laugh. I think I have a video.
Amy: Or maybe we can't.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Howard: Why is your screen name "JohnWilliams"?
Raj: Uh, because I always score.
Penny: Hey, I think I'm gonna head to the office for a little bit.
Leonard: On a Sunday?
Penny: Yeah. Want to make sure I'm prepared for tomorrow.
Howard: Do you think you could get Bill Gates to sign something for me?
Penny: Yeah, maybe, like what?
Howard: Oh, my arm, my chest, his call.
Penny: His call will be to the police.
Raj: Penny, remember when I introduced you to 100 calorie Dove bars and you said you owed me, like, big-time?
Penny: Guys, even if I wanted to introduce you, there is no room in his schedule. I mean, look. Look at this itinerary. I meet him at his hotel first thing tomorrow morning, then we're on the go all day long.
Leonard: You're right. Guys, this is her job. We need to respect that.
Penny: Thank you, honey.
Leonard: Proud of you.
Penny: Love you.
Leonard: I totally just saw what hotel he's staying at.
Howard: What are we waiting here for?
Leonard: For Penny to walk down the stairs, get in her car, and drive away.
Raj: Right, smart… Is that long enough?
Leonard: She's pretty quick, let's go.
Hotel lobby
Raj: What would you do if you had a billion dollars?
Howard: Same as Bill Gates, try to make the world a better place, but I'd do it in a working Iron Man suit.
Raj: I didn't know that came in a boys' medium.
Leonard: Th-This is a bad idea. Maybe we should go.
Howard: What are you talking about?
Leonard: I don't know. I'm just feeling guilty, like I'm kind of sneaking around behind Penny's back.
Howard: We're not doing anything wrong. We're just hanging out in a hotel lobby. Plenty of people do that: businessmen, high-end prostitutes.
Raj: That's a fun new game, CEO or Ho.
Leonard: No, this is wrong, let's go.
Howard: Guys, guys, that's him. Be cool.
Raj: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Howard: Cooler.
Raj: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Leonard: Uh, M-Mr. Gates, I'm-I'm Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. We've actually met before.
Bill Gates: Sorry, I don't remember.
Leonard: You were so nice, a-and it was really special to me because you've been such a big influence on my life. I mean, ever since I was a little kid, I've looked up to you like-like a hero.
Bill Gates: Oh, now I remember. Would you like a tissue?
Leonard: How about a hug?
Bill Gates: How-how about a tissue?
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Bernadette: Sorry I talked about my kids the whole time.
Amy: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, besides you cutting up my meat for me, it was a lovely lunch.
Bernadette: God. What's happening? I'm a smart, educated, successful...
Amy: "Woman"?
Bernadette: I was gonna get it.
Amy: Don't be so hard on yourself. Pregnancy and childbirth actually cause physical changes to the structure of your brain.
Bernadette: I liked the old structure of my brain. But then, I liked a lot of my old structures.
Amy: Well, these are positive changes. Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.
Bernadette: I did stick a couple lamp chops in my purse.
Amy: So that's what I was smelling. Look, even though your brain is different, in many ways, it's better.
Bernadette: But were you bored?
Amy: Of course not.
Bernadette: You're lying.
Amy: Which you can tell, because your maternal brain is better at sensing nonverbal cues.
Bernadette: Now you're just being condescending.
Amy: Look at you, two for two.
Building entrance
Leonard: Uh, hold the door. Hold the door!
Sheldon: Oh. Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Didn't you hear me yell "hold the door"?
Sheldon: I did. But you know what they say, "hold the door, get robbed some more."
Leonard: No one says that.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, they should, because it's true, and it rhymes.
Stairs
Sheldon: So where have you been?
Leonard: Actually, I met Bill Gates.
Sheldon: I see. You're all in on it. Uh, nice try.
Leonard: It's not an April Fools' joke, Sheldon. I actually went to a hotel and met him.
Sheldon: Right, right. Okay, so, uh, "Bill Gates" was at the "hotel" that you "went to."
Leonard: Why is "went to" in quotes?
Sheldon: Fine. So "Bill Gates" was at the "hotel" that you went to… That's you and Bill Gates.
Leonard: It is.
Sheldon: Were you crying?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: So, it wasn't a joke, and I actually could've met him?
Leonard: Well, he's probably still there.
Sheldon: What hotel?
Leonard: The La Quinta Inn in Thousand Oaks, under the name Hernandez.
Sheldon: Thank you, thank you so much!
Leonard: April fools.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, where you been?
Leonard: Uh, just hanging out with the guys.
Penny: They still mad at me?
Leonard: Uh, they were, but then I was like, "Hey," and they were like, "What?" and I was like, "You know," and they were like, "Okay."
Penny: You're a good husband.
Leonard: Well, it's not for me to say, but you just said it, so you're probably right.
Penny: Well, as it turns out, there is a little reception for Mr. Gates tomorrow night. I asked if I could bring you, and they said yes.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Yeah, you get to meet Bill Gates again.
Leonard: Wait, what do you mean "again"?
Penny: 'Cause you met him that one time with your mom.
Leonard: Yes. And then again tomorrow, for a total of two, and only two times.
Penny: Yeah. I wonder if he'll remember you.
Leonard: Yeah, I wonder that, too.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: living room
Bernadette: The sun is losing about six times ten to the 12th grams per second, so the fraction of the mass it loses every year is about ten to the negative 13th. But don't worry. It'll be millions of years before we all freeze to death… Sweet dreams.
Howard: Wow. Hop on Poptook a dark turn there at the end.
Bernadette: Amy made me realize that new mothers are cognitively primed to take in new information, and I've been wasting it making up songs about our babies' toes.
Howard: To be fair, I cowrote Pinky Toe, Pinky Toe.
Bernadette: Evolution gave me this mom brain to focus on the baby, but I figure I can hack it to learn all kinds of new things.
Howard: Well, that's great.
Bernadette: Yeah. There was a problem, and I fixed it.
Howard: Like Bob the Builder in that giraffe cage.
Bernadette: Spoiler alert. I didn't see that one yet.
Comic book center
Howard: So that's fun. You get to meet Bill Gates again.
Leonard: It's not fun, I'm screwed.
Raj: It's fun for us.
Howard: Maybe he won't remember you.
Leonard: I snotted on his tie.
Raj: Yeah, you did, like, a lot.
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Thought I'd find you here. You snake.
Howard: What's going on?
Sheldon: He sent me all the way to Thousand Oaks to meet Bill Gates when he knew full well he wasn't staying there.
Raj: Wha… Leonard, that's terrible.
Howard: Yeah, why would you do that? You know he's staying at the DoubleTree in Long Beach.
Sheldon: Aha! Wait. How do I know you're not tricking me?
Howard: We probably are.
Raj: But what if we're not?
Sheldon: You think you're so smart. You think I'm going to fall for it again, don't you? Well, I won't.
Leonard: Where you going?
Sheldon: Shut up.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Penny: Aw, are you sure you can't come?
Leonard: I want to, but I'm just too sick.
Penny: Aw. And you really wanted to meet him.
Leonard: I know. And I've been trying to hide it so I could go, but I don't want to make him sick.
Penny: Yeah. Yeah, you do look pretty pale and clammy.
Leonard: Yeah. Have fun.
Penny: Well, feel better, okay?
Leonard: No, that's just my regular pale and clammy.
Restaurant
Bernadette: I mean, really, the bigger danger isn't the loss of mass. Instead, it will run out of hydrogen to use for nuclear fuel, swell up into a red giant, and fry the Earth.
Amy: So you don't want to split a salad?
Bernadette: No, thank you. But speaking of splitting things, did you hear about the light-splitting greenhouse film that could improve photosynthetic efficiency?
Amy: No.
Bernadette: Just a little something I read while nursing a human being that I made.
Amy: I'm just gonna get the chicken.
Bernadette: Ah. N-E-K-C-I-H-C: chicken backwards. Boom, mom brain.
Amy: And a whole bottle of wine.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Leonard: Whoa. Oh, oh, oh, oh! In your face! Hello?
Penny: Aw, hey, sweetie, how you feeling?
Leonard: Okay. I'm just resting.
Penny: Well, I have a surprise that might make you feel better.
Leonard: Oh, really?
Penny: Yeah, look who's here.
Bill Gates: Wait, I know you.
Leonard: No, you don't.
Bill Gates: Yes, I do. You were waiting for me at my hotel. You ruined my tie.
Penny: Wait, what? What's he talking about?
Leonard: Uh, he, uh… Obviously, he's kidding. That's a, that's a good one, Bill. I got to go.
Stairs then threshold
Sheldon: Stupid Leonard, meeting stupid Bill Gates, without stupid me… Aw.
Leonard and Penny’s apartment: living room
Leonard: I am so sorry… Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I can't stay mad at you. Come here. Apology accepted. What's for dinner? I'm starving.
Park
Stuart: Hola.
Nanny 1: [Speaking Spanish]
Nanny 2: [Speaking Spanish]
Stuart: How are you ladies doing? Raise your hands if you're bueno.
Nanny 2: [Speaking Spanish]
Nanny 1: [Speaking Spanish]
Stuart: Me llamo Stuart Bloom.
Nanny 2: [Speaking Spanish]
