Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Penny: Okay, I'm confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?
Leonard: I'll give you a hint. We're watching Daredevil.
Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?
Penny: Can't.
Leonard: Won't.
Penny: Didn't.
Leonard: Don't.
Amy: I told you, you can't regulate every aspect of our lives.
Sheldon: I can if you'd just roll over and accept your fate.
Amy: I'm sorry for bringing this over here.
Penny: Believe me, we know what you're going through.
Leonard: And I-I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I'm willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
Penny: She's right. That's reasonable.
Sheldon: Oh, look who's in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, she didn't compromise. She settled. There's a difference.
Penny: Yeah. You tell him, babe.
Comic Book Center
Raj: What time do you and Bernadette head out?
Howard: As soon as I get home. We're hoping to make it before dark.
Raj: I've never been to Palm Springs.
Stuart: Oh, you should go. It's terrific. I-I really thrive anywhere the women and the temperature are over 90.
Raj: I don't know. If I want to watch old people sweat, I can just FaceTime my family in India.
Stuart: It's nice you and Bernadette are getting away.
Howard: Well, she wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
Stuart: So then what are you doing here buying comic books?
Howard: Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: When you live with someone, there's gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.
Sheldon: I'm open to that.
Amy: Okay. Well, for starters, there's nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.
Penny: Sheldon, what do you say to that?
Sheldon: I think we should see other people.
Amy: What?!
Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
Amy: We sleep together once a year! You want other partners?
Sheldon: Don't blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He's the pervert pulling the strings here.
Amy: You wanna see other people? Go see other people.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: I hope one of those people is a monkey, 'cause this is bananas.
Leonard: You can make jokes, but if this keeps up, he's gonna move back in here.
Penny: All right. Well, let's just get them apart for a while so they can cool down.
Leonard: Good. Then before we reintroduce them, we'll give him one of her sweaters so he can get used to her scent again.
Penny: So it's okay for you to joke around?
Leonard: No, that's actually what we did with him when Howard came back from space.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Howard: Honey, how ya feeling? The book says at this stage of the pregnancy morning sickness should be going away… So that's good news, right?
Bernadette: The only thing I hate more than you right now is that book!
Howard: There she is! Who's ready for a hot, three-hour car ride to the desert?
Bernadette: Next vomit is gonna be in your lap.
Howard: I'm sorry. We don't have to go.
Bernadette: But it's our last chance to take a vacation that's just the two of us.
Howard: How 'bout we stay here? We don't even have to tell anyone. It'll be like a secret vacation at home.
Bernadette: Keeping secrets from our friends-- that does sound kinda fun.
Howard: Does it sound... Sexy?
Bernadette: You just heard me throwing up.
Howard: You bet I did.
Bernadette: You're so weird.
Howard: You know what's weird? How turned on you are right now.
Penny’s car
Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.
Penny: Just as challenging.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: As you.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Just as challenging as you.
Sheldon: When we're sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto and headed for the storm cellar.
Penny: Leonard breathes on me, too. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: She's always complaining about people at work.
Penny: Well, so does Leonard. It's kind of annoying, but it's not the end of the world.
Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I'm a piece of meat?
Penny: You know, so does Leonard. Can't I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? "Hey."
Sheldon: I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.
Penny: Agreed! Thank you!
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: That feels great.
Howard: Well, pulling a quarter out of your ear isn't the only magic these hands can do. In fact, wh-what's this between your toes?!
Bernadette: Can you please stop making money come out of me for two minutes? Was that the front door?
Howard: It sounded like it. Oh, my God. Someone's in the house.
Bernadette: Lock the door, lock the door!
Howard: We should call the police.
Bernadette: Uh... I left my phone downstairs.
Howard: Damn, so did I.
Bernadette: Wait, I have my iPad!
Howard: What are we gonna do, e-mail 911?
Bernadette: That's not helpful!
Howard: You know I rely on humour in times of stress.
Bernadette: Let me know when you start, because that wasn't funny!
Howard: Is that the hot tub?
Bernadette: Who would use our hot tub?
Howard: Well, the answer is both more and less disturbing than you think.
Bernadette: Who is it?
Howard: Stuart… He heard me talking about us going away. I guess he decided to invite himself over?
Bernadette: Should we say something to him?
Howard: Maybe. How 'bout, "Hey, you look like a boiled chicken breast"?
Bernadette: I meant like, "What are you doing here?"
Howard: Nah, that's not gonna hurt his feelings.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Amy: Why is nothing easy with him?
Leonard: Look, here's the thing you need to understand about Sheldon: he's the worst.
Amy: I prefer to think of it as high-maintenance.
Leonard: I prefer to think of myself as five-ten, but I still need to get all my pants hemmed.
Amy: I guess I should have known what I was getting myself into.
Leonard: Don't beat yourself up. You've never lived with anyone before.
Amy: That's true.
Leonard: And you're starting out with Sheldon Cooper. That's like getting your first pet and having it be-- I don't know... What's a kind of pet that ruins your life?
Amy: You're not making me feel better.
Leonard: Look, even when Penny and I started living together, there was a-a learning curve. But I promise you, it does get easier.
Amy: He put a sign up in the bathroom that says, "Number of days without Amy's hair on the soap."
Leonard: Yeah. My record was six.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: Is it me, or is there something fun about watching him just float there?
Howard: Maybe this is why people get fish tanks… Who just turned the porch lights on?
Bernadette: Is someone else here?
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Raj: Hmm. They must have left the tub on. Good thing I stopped by… Ah! Oh my God !
Later
Raj: What are you doing here?!
Stuart: What are you doing here?!
Raj: Maybe Howard and Bernadette said I could be here!
Stuart: Did they?
Raj: Answer the question! What are you doing here?!
Stuart: I had nothing else to do tonight. The last couple of months, I come here when I know they're not home.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Howard: What?!
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Stuart: They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought it was a raccoon.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: I told you raccoons don't say "Uh-oh."
Penny’s car
Penny: You know, one night, Leonard's nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.
Sheldon: Have you noticed it's always an A-flat?
Penny: Is it? Oh! It's like his sinuses are right here in the car.
Sheldon: If we're just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.
Penny: Yeah, I'll take you for ice cream.
Sheldon: Well, see, why can't Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she's Gloria Steinem… Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.
Penny: Oh, please, you're barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?
Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, "hubba hubba" like any other guy.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? 'Cause it's fine.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Raj: Here you go.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Shall we toast?
Stuart: To Howard and Bernadette, and the house key they never asked me to return.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: You said you got it back.
Howard: Well, clearly, I lied.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Raj: So how's your apartment?
Stuart: Not great. The electricity's out.
Raj: So why don't you get it fixed?
Stuart: I called, and they're like, "Pay your bill!"
Raj: Of you ever need somewhere to crash, there's always my place.
Stuart: Oh, no. I don't want to be an inconvenience. You've got all your lady friends, and...
Raj: Actually, I'm single now.
Stuart: What?! When did that happen?
Raj: It's okay. It's by choice. Well, their choice, and it's not okay.
Stuart: Oh. Sorry. I didn't know.
Raj: Nobody does. I was embarrassed so I didn't say anything.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Bernadette: Why wouldn't he tell us? Are we bad friends?
Howard: He's in our hot tub drinking our wine.
Bernadette: Yeah, he deserves to be alone.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Stuart: So you're back out on the dating scene now?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, a little.
Stuart: Oh, that must be fun. How's that going?
Raj: I'm in a hot tub with you, so pretty bad.
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: kitchen
Amy: Maybe I should just give in to his stupid bathroom schedule.
Leonard: No, don't do that.
Amy: But you did!
Leonard: Exactly! Learn from my mistakes! No matter where I am at 7:18 a.m., there better be a toilet nearby.
Amy: It's just so much easier to give him what he wants.
Leonard: Oh, true, but think of how much you've accomplished. Who got him to stop purelling his pocket change?
Amy: Me.
Leonard: And who got him to put things other than gloves in the glove compartment?
Amy: Me. It was mittens.
Leonard: Mm. And who got him to try a turkey dog?
Amy: That was actually Koothrappali, but I did let him spit it out in my hand.
Leonard: Look, how can you stop now? That's like walking out of Pinocchio right before he becomes a real boy.
Amy: You know, you're right. I'm in this relationship, too. I need to stand up for myself.
Leonard: Of course you do.
Amy: And if he doesn't like it, he can move back here.
Leonard: Oh. He can try. He'd just need a good locksmith.
Ice café
Penny: Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That's your favourite.
Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I'll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, "Aw, no strawberry."
Penny: What about the girl behind the counter?
Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm's probably bigger than the other.
Penny: Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone?
Sheldon: You are truly wise.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: I'd say wise beyond your years, but you're getting up there.
Penny: All right. Come on. What is really going on with you?
Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I've never told anyone.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.
Penny: Not relating. Go on.
Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.
Penny: Oh, now I'm with ya. Okay.
Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents' bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Penny: Oh, that's awful!
Sheldon: I know. It's also why I never open a door without knocking three times… I mean, the first one's traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.
Penny: Well, what happened with your dad?
Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.
Penny: You poor thing.
Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we've been bickering like my parents used to.
Penny: And you're afraid you're gonna do something like your dad did?
Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
Penny: Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you're at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women!
Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.
Penny: Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now?
Sheldon: I'm sure you're right… I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you… Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
Penny: Just finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Raj: I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette's baby.
Stuart: I don't know. Bernadette's baby doesn't have a Jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: bedroom
Howard: Those jets are for my secret spot, not his!
Bernadette: What do you do in there?!
Howard: It's called relaxing, and that's all you need to know.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: garden
Raj: Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should head home.
Stuart: Yeah, you're probably right.
Raj: You coming?
Stuart: Yeah, just give me a minute.
Raj: Why?
Stuart: Well, you know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
Raj: Yeah?
Stuart: I kind of went the other way.
Howard: You jackasses just bought yourselves a hot tub!
Penny and Leonard’s apartment: living room
Leonard: What do you think?
Amy: It's a nice enough spot. You know, if I'm going to start standing up for myself, this is exactly the kind of thing...
Penny: We're back!
Amy: Oh, hi! Hi!
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: How you guys doing?
Penny: We're doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.
Sheldon: I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It... It was unnecessary. This is warm… Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.
Amy: Oh. Really?
Leonard: Why does she get that?! We never got that!
Penny: Do you want him back?
Leonard: I'm very happy for you.
Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I'm willing to take our relationship to the next level.
Amy and Sheldon’s apartment: bathroom
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?
Amy: I would love to.
Leonard: Did we really need to be here for this?
Penny: Call me crazy, but I found it moving.