Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: Leonard’s bedroom
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi, how was the screening?
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line feel bad, but only the white people felt bad.
Penny: Ugh, I should've never bought him that colouring book that explains Black History Month.
Leonard: How'd it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Wow. Well done.
Penny: Yeah, and when I dropped her off at the hotel, she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: Did she think you were choking or... I'm sorry, that's great. Thank you for spending time with her.
Penny: No problem. Um, so listen, I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: Wait, we're gonna get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.
Penny: Come on, it'll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one.
Leonard: Look, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don't like her.
Penny: Leonard, come on, she's your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn't we?
Leonard: I just said why-- we don't like her.
Penny: Hey, look, then forget about her, let's do it for us. We could keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families.
Leonard: Is your brother out of prison?
Penny: Thanks to overcrowding, yeah.
Leonard: I'd love it if my dad could come.
Penny: Oh, you have to invite him. I haven't seen him since the divorce.
Leonard: Oh, he's like a different man.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.
Penny: Well, then it's settled. Yay. God. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you!
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: Okay, so it's not a legal ceremony, it's just a chance for us to redo our vows so everyone can be part of it.
Amy: So there's no maid of honour?
Penny: No.
Amy: Huh. But if I were to, say, wear a purple satin dress with a sweetheart neckline and stand near you, you wouldn't be able to stop me, right?
Penny: I don't see how I could.
Amy: Then I graciously accept.
Bernadette: Who's going to officiate?
Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.
Amy: Wait, now I'm just some lousy maid of honour?
Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.
Penny: Okay, wait, you're inviting people to our wedding?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I've already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr. And now, don't get your hopes up, 'cause he's pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.
Bernadette: Who's Erno Rubik?
Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik's Cube.
Penny: Okay, fine, but why would you invite him to our wedding?
Sheldon: Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.
Bernadette: Well, it's very sweet of you to go to all this trouble for Leonard's mother.
Penny: Yeah, I'm also doing it for Leonard. I think this could really help their relationship.
Leonard’s car
Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me!
Leonard: Sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there's no excuse for that.
Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: I was wrong, there's three excuses for that.
Caltech
Howard: Oh, my God. It's working.
Raj: You sure?
Howard: Look. The system is maintaining its own stability, the quantum vortex apparatus is now controlling the orientation.
Raj: You're right. You realize what this means?
Howard: Yeah. I do… It's proof of concept. We've got a workable guidance system.
Raj: Congratulations.
Howard: Thanks! Hey, I just got an e-mail from the U.S. Air Force.
Raj: Open it.
Howard: Hmm. "We request a meeting at your earliest convenience regarding your quantum guidance system, provisional patent 62/295118." That's weird.
Raj: Is there a window around here we don't know about?
Howard: I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Raj: Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.
Amy’s car
Mary: Thank you for picking me up.
Sheldon: Oh, you're welcome.
Mary: I was speaking to your young lady.
Amy: My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Oh, please call me Mary.
Amy: Okay, Mary.
Sheldon: You know, that doesn't work for me, let's stay with Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Sheldon, don't be silly.
Sheldon: Wait, what? That's what I called you till I got to know you better.
Mary: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, I...
Amy: It sure was.
Mary: I've always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
Mary: Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?
Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny's family is coming tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonard's mother's already here.
Mary: Oh, Beverly. How nice.
Amy: You've met her, right?
Mary: Yes, I have.
Sheldon: Mother, she's an atheist, not a vampire.
Mary: Either way, let's stop and get some garlic.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Beverly: So, Mary, how have you been?
Mary: Well, thank you so much for asking. I've been well, and you?
Beverly: Very good.
Mary: Good.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: kitchen
Sheldon: I don't know what we were worried about; they're getting along great.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Mary: Sheldon tells me your husband's coming.
Beverly: My ex-husband.
Mary: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Beverly: Don't be.
Mary: All right.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: kitchen
Penny: Whew, chilly.
Amy: I think I can see my breath.
Beverly: We can hear you.
Penny: Sorry.
Amy: Sorry.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: kitchen
Howard: I can't believe I was so naive. The military is just gonna take over the whole project. And you know what happens if we object? We disappear. Like off the map. Like every American Idol winner since season four.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, you're overreacting.
Howard: Am I? Am I? Wha-- what do you want to bet some black ops guy is reprinting my high school yearbook and I'm no longer in it? That chess club picture is now just David Zimmerman and Elaine Cho.
Raj: Okay, look, I'm on the Air Force Web site, and the department that e-mailed you is in charge of acquisitions. So maybe they just want to give you a lot of money for your invention.
Howard: Oh, please, that's not how it works. You saw E.T., Avatar, Jurassic World. The military just shows up and takes over.
Bernadette: You do realize those weren't documentaries, right?
Howard: I'm sorry, you find this funny?
Raj: No, I was just thinking about Jurassic World. Boy, that was terrible.
Building: ground floor
Alfred: Oh, we have to use the stairs. When are they gonna fix your elevator?
Leonard: Uh... I don't-- any day now.
Alfred: Well, the stairs are fine… Besides, your mother is up there… Maybe I'll have a heart attack and not have to see her.
Building: stairs
Leonard: Hey, I, I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I'm really glad you're here.
Alfred: Me, too… I should have never had that angioplasty because I feel fine.
Leonard: Penny's really looking forward to seeing you.
Alfred: Ah, she's a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.
Leonard: Thanks, Dad.
Alfred: How the hell did you do that?
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Isn't this nice?
Leonard: Hey, we're here.
Penny: Alfred! Thank you for coming!
Alfred: Oh. Well, happy to be here. And congratulations.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Dad, you remember Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.
Alfred: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This is Sheldon's mother, Mary.
Alfred: How do you do?
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Leonard: And his girlfriend, Amy.
Alfred: A pleasure.
Amy: Hi.
Leonard: And, of course, Mom.
Alfred: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Sheldon: All right, now I'm starting to sense a little tension.
Leonard: All right, you two, don't start. Penny and I are throwing this second wedding for your benefit. Can you please not ruin it?
Alfred: Of course. I'm sorry.
Beverly: Oh, look at that-- you can apologize.
Leonard: Mom!
Beverly: I'm sorry.
Mary: You know, the Bible says forgiveness...
Sheldon: Mom!
Mary: I'm sorry.
Penny: Uh, who's hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.
Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I'm not sorry. That's true.
Bernadette and Howard’s house: kitchen
Howard: I don't know what to do. It's the Air Force. I mean, should I respond to their e-mail? Ignore it?
Raj: You can't ignore it. It's not that postcard that says it's time to go back to the dentist.
Bernadette: Guys, come on. We're meeting everyone for dinner.
Howard: One sec. I'm just afraid if I respond, then they'll know I got it.
Raj: Oh, dude. The minute you opened that e-mail, they knew you got it. I mean, they're probably looking at you through the camera right now.
Howard: Oh, damn.
Raj: I love America.
Bernadette: Are you done with this nonsense?
Howard: It's not nonsense. This is how the U.S. military works.
Raj: Oh, if it's even the U.S. military. It could be foreign military pretending to be American.
Howard: You're right. We turn our guidance system over to them, next thing we know, they're using it against us.
Raj: I also love the enemies of America.
Leonard’s car
Beverly: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard's father doesn't discourage you from the commitment you've made to one another.
Penny: Oh, of course not.
Beverly: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.
Leonard: Mom, please save something for the toast.
Amy’s car
Mary: So, Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
Alfred: Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
Sheldon: Don't laugh-- she wasn't joking.
Amy: Play with your phone.
Alfred: Well, on that note, there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as part of their mythology.
Mary: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
Alfred: Oh. I-I didn't mean to disparage your faith. Actually, I admire it.
Mary: Really?
Alfred: Yes. Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I have prayed, many times, to God, to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary: Well, He came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.
Howard’s car
Raj: Howard, there must be someone at the university you can go to for help.
Howard: Are you kidding? They're probably the ones who leaked it to the military in the first place.
Raj: What about the guy on the Channel Four News? You know, "Four on Your Side"? Maybe he can be on you side.
Howard: I'm being harassed by the government, not trying to get to the bottom of a dog-walking scam.
Bernadette: Oh, stop! You know what's really happening? All the movies you've watched, the TV shows, the comic books-- they've completely twisted your thinking. No one's after you, no one's listening to you, no one cares about you.
Raj: I'd like to think the "Four on Your Side" guy cares about me.
Leonard’s car
Penny: You know, Beverly, I know you and Alfred have your differences, but if you think about it, if you hadn't married him, there'd be no Leonard. So that's good, right?
Beverly: Eh.
Leonard: Is that Howard in front of us?
Penny: Oh, maybe. Get closer.
Howard’s car
Howard: Oh, God. I think someone's following us.
Bernadette: You're being ridiculous.
Howard: I'm not being ridiculous-- he's right on my tail.
Raj: Uh, turn left here and see if he turns with us.
Leonard’s car
Penny: Well, why is he turning here? The restaurant's the other way.
Leonard: I don't know. He uses that traffic app. Maybe there's an accident.
Penny: Oh, so follow him.
Howard’s car
Raj: Oh, no!
Howard: I told you!
Bernadette: It's probably just a coincidence. Speed up a little, see if he stays with you.
Leonard’s car
Penny: Well, go faster. You're losing him.
Leonard: What is his hurry?
Penny: You know what, flash your lights. Let him know it's you.
Howard’s car
Howard: He's flashing his lights. What's that mean?
Raj: I-I think he wants us to pull over.
Bernadette: Do not pull over! I'm not raising this baby alone!
Howard: Hang on!
Restaurant
Alfred: So, after your husband passed, you never remarried?
Mary: No, just focused on work and the church.
Alfred: Ah. And what do you do?
Mary: I work at the church.
Alfred: Well, they're lucky to have you.
Mary: Well, thank you.
Alfred: You're welcome.
Amy: Do you realize what's happening here?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. They're filling up on bread and ruining their meal.
Leonard: Hey.
Amy: Hey. What took you guys so long?
Leonard: Oh, we were following Howard, but for some reason, he turned off his headlights and went up a one-way street.
Penny: So, what did we miss?
Alfred: Oh, just Mary and I getting to know each other a little.
Mary: Leonard, your father is just charming.
Beverly: He's also broke. Did he mention that?
Leonard: Okay, Mom, you sit over there...
Penny: And I'm gonna call Bernadette and see what's keeping them.
Sheldon: If I'd known you were broke, I wouldn't have made a big deal about the bread.
Howard’s car
Bernadette: Hey, Penny. What are you talking about? Oh, that was you? Long story. Why don't you go ahead and eat. We're gonna be a while.
Street
Howard: I'm telling you, I'm not on drugs. The government's out to get me!
Restaurant
Alfred: Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo sapiens frequently mated with each other.
Mary: Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon's father.
Sheldon: That's funny, because my father was not a very clever man.
Amy: I'd be lost without you.
Leonard: Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.
Sheldon: See, that's funny because...
Amy: Back to your phone.
Leonard: Penny... I've always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did.
Amy: Hear, hear.
Beverly: Cheers.
Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast.
Penny: Aw.
Alfred: Leonard, I am so happy that you have found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred: Why don't you take a pill?
Beverly: Like you did before sex?
Alfred: What I really needed was a blindfold.
Mary: All right, everyone... Calm down. Let's all remember what it says in the Bible: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty."
Beverly: Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
Mary: When God writes one, I will.
Penny: Um, if-if we want to order the soufflé, we might want to get on that.
Alfred: Leonard, if you don't mind, I-I think I'm a little tired. I'm gonna call it a night.
Leonard: Sure, Dad.
Mary: I'm a little tuckered out myself, so I will see you all in the morning.
Alfred: Would you like to share a cab?
Mary: That would be fine.
Alfred: Where are you staying?
Mary: I'm at the Westin.
Alfred: Oh, so am I. Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Mary: I think that you could.
Leonard: What is happening there?
Sheldon: I think it's pretty obvious. They don't want dessert 'cause they filled up on bread.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: She's still not answering.
Leonard: My father's not texting me back.
Penny: 'Cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really? 'Cause I love it.
