Chapel
Penny: So, what package are you thinking?
Leonard: Mm, this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, they even stream the whole thing live on the Internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard: 'Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, nearsighted scientist. Let's give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comment section.
Leonard: I-If you're not into this, we can do it another time.
Penny: No. No, I want to. Look, we've put this off long enough. Let's do it.
Leonard: Aw. That's exactly what you said the first time we slept together… Oh, excuse me. Sheldon.
Chapel / Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment / Amy’s apartment
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
Leonard: No. Why?
Sheldon: Good. Don't do it!
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst… I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.
Leonard: What happened now?
Sheldon: Amy has ended our relationship.
Leonard: Oh, no. Seriously?
Penny: What's going on?
Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.
Penny: She did?
Sheldon: Is Penny crying?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.
Leonard: Buddy, I-I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.
Leonard: Sheldon, uh, o-okay, just because you're going through this with Amy doesn't mean that all women are bad.
Sheldon: Whatever.
Penny: Hey, I just heard about you and Sheldon. Are you okay?
Amy: Not really. Can you come over?
Penny: Uh, actually I'm in Vegas. Leonard and I are about to get married.
Amy: Hold on. You're getting married and you didn't invite me?
Penny: Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing.
Amy: Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.
Penny: Amy, don't be like that.
Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy's name?
Leonard: Penny's on the phone with her.
Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don't care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don't be shocked when you find out that I don't care.
Penny: Okay, will you relax? You're not missing anything special.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: She's upset. Look, it's gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.
Sheldon: Amy's upset? Is it about me?
Leonard: No, I think it's because we're eloping.
Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love!
Hallway
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Oh! What are you doing here?
Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.
Amy: Well, it's only been 11 hours.
Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.
Amy: Sheldon, when I'm ready to talk, I'll let you know.
Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Boy, I'm glad we're going out again.
Amy: We're not back together.
Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn't wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?
Amy: If you must know, I'm going to Howard and Bernadette's to watch the wedding.
Sheldon: And who's this guy you're taking?
Amy: There's no guy!
Sheldon: Oh, you're going to a wedding alone? That's sad.
Amy: I'm not gonna be alone. I'll be with my friends.
Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn't I invited to this?
Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.
Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That's our thing!
Chapel
Leonard: They're running a little behind. Should be pretty soon.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Hey, if you're hungry, there's a breakfast buffet at the strip club next door.
Penny: Thanks, but I don't like glitter on my scrambled eggs.
Leonard: I don't think the strippers prepare the meal, but okay… Look, it-it's not how I pictured it either, but I'm still glad we're doing it.
Penny: Me, too.
Leonard: You sure?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: And you promise you're okay with everything from the car?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you stop bringing it up?
Leonard: You're right. I'm sorry… We have the rest of our lives to dredge stuff up from the past and fight about it… So what do you think? Should we run next door and grab a bite?
Penny: What if they call our names?
Leonard: Oh, don't worry. They gave me this vibrating coaster.
Penny: Oh, and the fairy tale continues.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room
Amy: Thank you for doing this.
Bernadette: Our pleasure. You feeling okay?
Amy: We were together for so long, I honestly don't know what I'm feeling.
Howard: Well, that's understandable. You forgot. It's called "happy."
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: I'm not saying anything bad. Just that she was in love with her captor and somehow managed to escape from his dark and crazy dungeon.
Stuart: I know what you're going through. My-my last breakup was pretty tough.
Amy: Oh. What was her name?
Stuart: Hey, it's a true story. I don't need the third degree.
Bernadette: For God's sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I didn't want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I'll just stay out here and pretend that I don't have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette: Howard, do something.
Howard: I'm on it.
Bernadette: Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.
Sheldon: I see. And is that why everybody was invited but me?
Amy: They didn't invite everybody but you. Bernadette invited me, and Stuart lives here.
Raj: Who wants hot cinnamon rolls?
Chapel
Minister: So, when you hear the music, that's your cue. Any questions?
Leonard: Oh, the package that we paid for said the aisle was supposed to be strewn with rose petals.
Minister: Where are the rose petals?!
Receptionist: We're out!
Leonard: You know what? It's fine.
Receptionist: We can use the potpourri from the bathroom!
Penny: Really, we're good.
Leonard: Yup, just want to get married.
Penny: Yeah.
Minister: Great. I'll see you two up there.
Leonard: This is it.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: I love you, too.
Receptionist: Was that a yes or no on the potpourri?!
Penny: No, thank you!
Leonard: We're good!
Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room
Sheldon: Raj, you're probably wondering why Amy and I aren't showing any affection to one another.
Raj: Didn't even crack the top ten.
Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.
Amy: I said I needed time to think.
Raj: I'm sure you guys will figure something out.
Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.
Bernadette: Sheldon, shh. The wedding's starting.
Sheldon: I see what's happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette's on Amy's team, I pick Howard.
Howard: I'm not taking sides.
Sheldon: Fine, I guess I'm stuck with Raj.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: At least you got picked.
Chapel
Minister: Before I go any further, have either of you prepared your own vows?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: No. You wrote vows?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Well, I don't have any. You're kind of making me look bad.
Leonard: It's okay. I-I don't have to say them.
Penny: No, no, no, go ahead. I'll come up with something mushy, you'll cry, we got this.
Leonard: "Penny, we are made of particles that have existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us, so that we could be together and make each other whole."
Penny: Wow.
Minister: Penny?
Penny: Right. Um... Okay… Leonard, I mean, you're not only the love of my life. I mean, you're my best friend, and... You've got a friend in me… You got troubles. I got them, too… There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We stick together, and we can see it through, 'cause... You've got a friend in me.
Minister: Is that the song from Toy Story?
Penny: He loves that movie.
Leonard: I do.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: living room
Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.
Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.
Bernadette: No, we totally won.
Sheldon: Amy, I don't understand, are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.
Amy: It's because you're not giving me any space to think.
Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're toting around have a sell-by date.
Amy: You know what, Sheldon, you've made this really easy. You're immature, you're selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don't need any more time to think. We're broken up.
Bernadette: Amy...
Sheldon: Will someone take me home?
Raj: Yeah. Come on, I'll give you a ride.
Minister:... Symbolizes your eternal love. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Penny: We did it!
Leonard: I'm so glad you guys could watch!
Howard: We'll say it was beautiful in the comment section.
Hotel: hallway
Leonard: No, no, no. Hang on. I believe I'm supposed to carry you across the threshold.
Penny: Can you?
Leonard: Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed when he falls asleep in front of the TV?
Penny: Okay, let's do it.
Hotel: room
Penny: You gonna make it?
Leonard: I'm okay!
Penny: Nicely done!
Leonard: Thank you. Finally, there's a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn't disappointed in me.
Penny: Well, the night is still young.
Leonard: Everything all right?
Penny: Yeah. I guess.
Leonard: Just tell me.
Penny: It's just, when we were kissing, I couldn't help but picture you with that other girl.
Leonard: Oh, no. No, come on. I have a friend in you. You said so.
Penny: You're right. Just forget it.
Leonard: Yeah… Okay, listen. Uh... If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't. We-we were both drunk, and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Penny: Did you feel guilty?
Leonard: No, she had dental insurance.
Penny: Did you feel guilty after kissing her?
Leonard: Yes. I felt guilty as soon as it happened. I feel guilty every time I see her.
Penny: What do you mean, every time you see her?
Leonard: What... Do I mean? Boy, that's a toughie.
Penny: You still see her?
Leonard: Well, no, not socially. But, you know, just at work.
Penny: You work with her?! How could you not tell me that?!
Leonard: I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking!
Penny: Oh, okay. So you're saying this is my fault?
Leonard: No, of course not. Okay, l-look, instead of fighting, why don't we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It's not easy. You try it.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment / Mary Cooper’s house
Sheldon: Hello, Mother.
Mary: Shelly! How's my baby doing?
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you're open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.
Mary: Oh, what's going on?
Sheldon: She broke up with me.
Mary: Oh, Shelly.
Sheldon: No, I'll be okay. But I think that I'd like to send the ring back to you.
Mary: Well, let's not be hasty. Are you sure it's over for good?
Sheldon: It's over for me. I'm done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.
Mary: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Are you going to say it's all part of God's plan?
Mary: Good chance.
Sheldon: Then no, thank you.
Mary: Well, honey, don't send it back yet. Your sister's married, and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mary: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen
Bernadette: I know it hurts now, but it's gonna get better.
Howard: Yeah. Everything's gonna be okay.
Stuart: You've got so much to offer.
Amy: Thank you.
Stuart: Any man would be lucky to have you.
Bernadette: That's true.
Amy: I just hope I did the right thing.
Stuart: I'm sure you did. Maybe that's the problem… You always do the right thing. Maybe it's time to do the wrong thing.
Amy: Like you're doing right now?
Stuart: Exactly.
Building: stairs
Leonard: I asked you over and over if you were okay. Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren't?
Building: threshold
Penny: I thought I was okay, but it turns out I'm not.
Leonard: Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift!
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon: Wow! Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.
Leonard: I'm not glowing. I'm upset.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.
Penny’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?
Building: threshold
Penny: What's this?
Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.
Penny: Oh. That's so sweet of you.
Sheldon: Yeah. I know.
Penny’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Turns out, being sweet isn't enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.
Penny: I'm sorry to hear about you and Amy.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.
Penny: You know, it's bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.
Sheldon: He does? Who is it?
Penny: Some girl named Mandy.
Sheldon: Mandy Chao?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, you don't need to worry about her. She's brilliant and attractive. She can do way better than Leonard.
Penny: That's great.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound farfetched, but I'm on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.
Penny: That's ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she'd be with Leonard.
Penny: I'm with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever… Who would have believed these things would happen to us?
Penny: Right? I can't believe Amy actually went through with it.
Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?
Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.
Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?
Penny: Okay, look, it's not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see… Well... I think I'll be going.
Penny: Sheldon...
Sheldon: No, no, no, no… We are done here… Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Thank you… And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.
Howard and Bernadette’s house: kitchen
Howard: All right, Leonard, hang in there. Talk to you tomorrow.
Bernadette: What happened? They just got married.
Howard: I don't know. It's a mess. They had a huge fight in Vegas.
Bernadette: Think they'll break up?
Howard: I don't know. Sounds pretty bad. Penny's back in her apartment all by herself.
Stuart: Really?
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment: living room
Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?
Leonard: Sure, let's make it an even hundred.
Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say "I love you" and then break up with me.
Leonard: I wouldn't.
Sheldon: And you know why? 'Cause you're a man. The champagne of genders.
Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I'm the one that screwed up on this one.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, "I'll just have a salad." You know? "Where's my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium." That last one was Madame Curie.
Leonard: I figured that out.
Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.
Leonard: Can't believe I'm spending my wedding night with you.
Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.